June, I can totally relate to almost all of your story.

I didn't go without as a child. My mom went the other way. During her manias, she would buy tons of things. Most we didn't need. My Dad ended up taking away her credit cards at one point. She gave a lot of stuff, but not much else. After I got into high school, things changed, and she took things away from me, including my first car.

I, too, have realized since having my kids that I give a lot more to them than I ever received. I ended my carreer when my daughter was born so that I could be there for her, and subsequently for my son. To me it seems like I'm trying to give them what I didn't have.

My father died when I was 26 (am 37 now), and since then, I have had a lot of anger towards my mother. Her constant need to be in control, and to be in the right no matter what, has been a real problem, and the anger, at times, overwhelms me. I tend to turn to my husband when this happens, and he helps me by reassuring me that I'm not the one with the problems.

Forgiveness is good, but after 24 years of turning the other cheek, I can't do it anymore. Every time it happens, my feelings for her, including compassion, get less and less. Of course, that's when she tells me I'm cold and uncaring.

I didn't mean for this to be so long. I hope you know that you are not alone.

The worst for me as an adult is when I say I'm having problems of my own (not HER problems but MY problems) how she'd go on the attack and laugh at my pain. For a long time I could ignore it, I'm amazingly patient by most people's standards but she wouold use the most pleasant moments to get nasty and blame me for stuff or tell me things like its my fault my brothers can't stand to be in the same room with her for example. Nothing is ever her doing.
I don't know if its ever resolved but I'm determined it has to get better.