Hi. My mother has had Schizoaffective disorder (bi-polar sub-type) for about 30 years, since I was very small. Growing up she was extremely unstable, obviously, in and out hospitals hundreds of times, and in retrospect highly neglectful of me. I remember just never having anything, and worrying about whether or not I'd even have a pencil to take to school. What's interesting is that I only have these memories when I realize suddenly how much more my children have and how much more attention I provide them.

I also have this memory of everyone around us-from extended family to therapits- sort of implicting blaming me (and maybe my brothers, too), and going with this assumption that my mother's real problem was "stress" and "abuse" (from my father) and that her awful kids (we were not awful by any means) were the real cause of all her problems. She even tried to convince people that my brothers and I were really the mentally ill ones, not her. It was not until years later that she was given an Axis II diagnosis, Histrionic PD, that I felt somewhat exonerated.

I also remember that whatever I had, she took, no matter what it was. When I was fifteen and could legally work the very first thing I did was get a job so I could have money to take care of my self. She stole every dime I made.

When I was a little girl all of the way until my twenties I worried about my mom constantly. Now, though, I don't, and in fact, I have felt for many years that I don't have a mother- that she has worked just too hard at destroying any parent child relationship that ever existed.

I still have a lot of anger at her. It really doesn't matter how much I consciously try to release anger and forgive, no matter how many times I do it, the anger returns. This is not a matter of me not understanding how wonderful it is to forgive, this is a problem of it not taking on a deep level.

If anyone else can relate to this experience, do you have any insight?

June, I can totally relate to almost all of your story.

I didn't go without as a child. My mom went the other way. During her manias, she would buy tons of things. Most we didn't need. My Dad ended up taking away her credit cards at one point. She gave a lot of stuff, but not much else. After I got into high school, things changed, and she took things away from me, including my first car.

I, too, have realized since having my kids that I give a lot more to them than I ever received. I ended my carreer when my daughter was born so that I could be there for her, and subsequently for my son. To me it seems like I'm trying to give them what I didn't have.

My father died when I was 26 (am 37 now), and since then, I have had a lot of anger towards my mother. Her constant need to be in control, and to be in the right no matter what, has been a real problem, and the anger, at times, overwhelms me. I tend to turn to my husband when this happens, and he helps me by reassuring me that I'm not the one with the problems.

Forgiveness is good, but after 24 years of turning the other cheek, I can't do it anymore. Every time it happens, my feelings for her, including compassion, get less and less. Of course, that's when she tells me I'm cold and uncaring.

I didn't mean for this to be so long. I hope you know that you are not alone.

The worst for me as an adult is when I say I'm having problems of my own (not HER problems but MY problems) how she'd go on the attack and laugh at my pain. For a long time I could ignore it, I'm amazingly patient by most people's standards but she wouold use the most pleasant moments to get nasty and blame me for stuff or tell me things like its my fault my brothers can't stand to be in the same room with her for example. Nothing is ever her doing.
I don't know if its ever resolved but I'm determined it has to get better.