Christina,
It’s been 8 months since I distanced myself from my mother. For the first few I had that pit in my stomach as well. What Susan said was right. You want a mom and that is something you may not get. And really, right now, it's pointless to try and work things out because she won't be able to see the situation any other way. Your story is so close to mine it’s weird.
That pit in my stomach started to leave when I started to really examine my life. I started working on myself and the relationships I did have. I saw certain things that I did....most likely because of my mother and started to work on them as well. Now, 8 months later.....the pit is gone. I think I'll always long for that "mother" but am ok knowing that it may not happen. I've found that my other relationships are stronger and richer. It's nice not having someone yell hateful things at you all the time. Work on yourself. Focus on what is ahead of you and be grateful that you're away from the drama. Hopefully, one day you'll be strong enough to look back, separate the good from that bad and start and new kind of relationship with your mother. At least, that’s what I hope for myself!

I would also like to know what to do on Birthdays and Holidays. Please, if anyone has ideas....share. It is a weird situation. I'm sure.....Martha Stuart didn't work this into her book of etiquette.