My Mom's BiPolar,

She kicked me out of the house, and left messages on my answering machine in college about how sorry it is I chose to be angry/sad and couldn't work things out (by fake-smiling happily & being "appreciative" of everything). She won't apologize for anything leading up to it, and tries to act like the bigger person by saying "I love you so much" and "I just want you to be happy" or "I wish you a good life." I wonder how many people feel the same way - that its just empty words.

Well, after cheating on, using, and divorcing my dad, she's now cheated on her affair guy after 4yrs and an lengthy engagement. She's now engaged to her second affair (her high school sweetheart) who thinks the disorder is a positive. He assures me that "Einstein was Bipolar" in a happy tone. He acted like a real jerk toward me while boxing all my stuff out, all the while saying (with attitude) "I don't care: Its Your Mom's House" - all the while Mom looked on and said "John won't let anyone abuse,hurt,or take advantage of me" -- a very gallant white knight effect. She cries for attention - he responds, she acts weak, and then she's fine.

So that's the background I'm in -- The day I was kicked out will probably be one of the best days of my life in retrospect. Granted a lot of my stuff was left in the house, I told her to donate it. I have no strings left to her and I know I should be happy. I'm living in a dorm now and I have my father back in my life whose been wonderful to me. I just have a heavy heart in how things were left. Maybe I just want an apology, which I know I'll never get. But something makes me sick in the pit of my stomach when I think about what's happened, about her and that flash of smugness following by the abuse routine. How in every apology letter I've gotten growing up there was a lengthy "But" and a list of why I made her do things.
She acts like such a nice person people believe it -- She even had the family doctors tell me to seek counseling because I was being difficult and had sever depression. I hated them for that. I was seriously ill from cancer related issues and my surgeon was pumped up with so much of my mom's Bull I was misdiagnosed for a good three months. She'd take away my medical supplies in front of the doctors and make me ask them one by one like a nursemaid. She loved my illness and flaunting the Cancer Mom Status -- pictures of my operations and her holding my hand were out on the mantle, but there never were ones of her screaming at me for crying and making her life miserable.

The real problem is: I was close to my mom as crazy/evil as she could be. Is there anyway to ease this rising lump in my throat when I think about it? Its just anger and rage, and I know if it keeps up its going to poison me.

Both sides of my extended family have been wonderful supporting me, save for my brother who still is in mom's good graces. The rest she's cut off and call me every-so many weeks. Its been wonderful, but I still feel I need closure in some way.

I can't ask for an apology, and speaking to her would just bring out the territorial boyfriend or a Pity-Fest.

Any thought on how to heal from here?

ON another Note:

My Birthday, as well as Christmas is coming up. What do you guys do for your parents when you're disconnected? I think I might send a card with "Happy Holidays" and my name inside... That's it I guess. Anything she sends to me I'll probably send a Blank thank-you with my name in it...and then donate whatever was sent to charity.

Thanks for listening -- this has been a great website, I'm so glad I'm not the only one.

Hi!
Im sorry about all that your going through!!!!!!! However am happy that your out of that dysfucntional relationship. Saddness at separation is normal, wether the relationship is healthy or not, she is none the less your mom. And a mom is an authoritive figure, and their influences are intense on one's sense of self. If you can get into counseling/therapy that may help you to re-gain a better more healthy sense of self.

I was a runaway/throwawy at 15, it was sad, and good at the same time. Unfortunately I sought after people that would treat me badly, reaffirming my sense of a very poor self image. It's not something that is easy to overcome because for me it was ingrained since I was about 1 years old. Since Ive had to learn to be a parent to my parent! Sounds strange, but it is what it is. About holiday's it's a trip, and avoidance is a copping stradegy when the parent is not taking responsibility for her actions.

Im glad that you have a dad that is supportive!

Remember that what you really crave is to have a mom, and in reality that is close to impossible! That want of acceptance, of love, of approval will likely never be a reality, so try to acknowalge that and look for a mom in someone else that is worthy, who won't play head games and monopolize the power of manipulation, to their twisted selfish gain. Finding a serogate mom is not easy, but just being appreciated by an elderly kind lady takes the edge off.

!!!!!!!!Your not alone!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks so much for your reply!
(And sorry bout the wait-)

While I'm not really into the whole "spiritual/homeopathic" scene, I do know that everytime I had an operation, I'd dream of tsunamis and tornadoes right afterwards - which I looked up in a dream dictionary and found the interpretation dead-on. So when I had 4 nights of dreaming about haunted houses, I looked it up and sure enough :

To dream of a haunted house: signifies unfinished emotional business, related to your childhood family, dead relatives, or repressed memories and feelings.

Needless to say, I'm definitely stopping by the college counseling center for an impromptu consultation with the psychiatrists. You know its bad when its even in dreams.

When you talked about Parenting your Parent, it hit home - as well as the self-esteem issues too.

I'm an ileostomate, which means my colon was removed and my small intestine sticks out of a hole on my abdomen, so when I use the restroom waste leaves my side and collects in a plastic bag appliance I wear over my side. Mom made me feel bad about how I looked, and ashamed when my appliance leaked and I'd soil my clothes. Everything I wear has been from Goodwill because I felt horrible for ruining expensive things - and all my shirts are grey/black baggy uniforms to avoid looking at the stains, as well as for comfort's sake. I can't wear anything fitted or it silouettes my appliance and causes it to leak. Worse, there have been many whispers and implications about medical supplies, health insurance, and once, a fight which lead to "I won't drive you to the E.R. Who has your Health Insurance Card?" In retrospect, it was insane.

Well, I'm pretty frail as it is considering I've never had PE in school, so I've decided to start getting in shape - not only to boost the self-esteem a bit, but to give me a goal of something to stick to. Mom was notorious for buying lots of gym equipment and then never using it, or stopping when things got too tough. I've always worried that I'd use my illness and do the same - so this might be good practice to see-through a commitment till the end.

I guess, i'm going to try to be my own surrogate parent. I know what I want to hear more than anyone in the world, and I've always had a good head on my shoulders - provided I'm looking forward and not down sheepishly. So I figure if I can really whisper the nice things, and believe it, then I'll be set for life. The trick is getting myself out of the rut of feeling sorry for myself, and to believe all the nicities people tell me without doubting it.

Thanks again for your reply - it was nice to hear from someone strongly overcoming a similar situation.

Christina,
It’s been 8 months since I distanced myself from my mother. For the first few I had that pit in my stomach as well. What Susan said was right. You want a mom and that is something you may not get. And really, right now, it's pointless to try and work things out because she won't be able to see the situation any other way. Your story is so close to mine it’s weird.
That pit in my stomach started to leave when I started to really examine my life. I started working on myself and the relationships I did have. I saw certain things that I did....most likely because of my mother and started to work on them as well. Now, 8 months later.....the pit is gone. I think I'll always long for that "mother" but am ok knowing that it may not happen. I've found that my other relationships are stronger and richer. It's nice not having someone yell hateful things at you all the time. Work on yourself. Focus on what is ahead of you and be grateful that you're away from the drama. Hopefully, one day you'll be strong enough to look back, separate the good from that bad and start and new kind of relationship with your mother. At least, that’s what I hope for myself!

I would also like to know what to do on Birthdays and Holidays. Please, if anyone has ideas....share. It is a weird situation. I'm sure.....Martha Stuart didn't work this into her book of etiquette.