Lisburn Exiles Forum

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The Lisburn Exiles Forum is dedicated to the memory of James Goddard Collins (The Boss) who single-handedly built LISBURN.COM (with a lot of help from many contributors) from 1996 to 29th November 2012. This website was his passion and helping people with a common interest in the City of Lisburn around the world is his lasting legacy.

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I called the Swine Flu hotline, all I got was crackling

I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.

Another is that you get the trots.

But, I woke up with pig tails this morning ... Should I be worried?

The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I said it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.

The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.

I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.

And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1

Swine flu, however, is not a problem for the pigs, because they're all going to be cured anyway.

News Flash .... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the aporkalypse.

Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.

I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in the world". Well it's a good thing I'm married then, isn't it?

This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamademic, don't believe the spam you're getting.

Feeling bored on the bus, train or Underground? Take out your mobile phone and pretend to have a conversation with an imaginary caller all about your recent holiday in Mexico. Hang up. Then sneeze...

Wife runs out of petrol and phones husband ... I'm scared to fill up she says 'cos of this swine flu.
He says you daft woman it's in Mexico not Texaco.

Half price on return flights to Mexico - it's not like you're coming back, is it?

You've got to hand it to the Mexicans. Even Osama Bin Laden didn't scare this many Americans.

A lion, a bear and a pig are sitting around discussing how great they are.
The lion says, "When I roar the whole jungle shakes."
The bear says, "When I roar the whole forest trembles."
So the pig says, "All I have to do is sneeze and the whole world itself!"