I told this story several times, but I don’t THINK I dared, till now, write it here, though I may have done so after a couple of beers:
In beautiful St Lucia for our fortieth wedding anniversary, my wife, son, and daughter-in-law sent me into a room for a ‘treatment’. They all knew what a mouthpiece I am, and how I say the girls will melt in my arms, blah, blah; blah. I went into the room, and a lovely black girl followed me, and told me to remove all of my clothes. I hesitated, asked her did she mean ALL, and she said yes, and that I should then lie on a low table, and cover my, erm, cover myself with a towel that would barely have served as a napkin. She then covered me from neck to foot with sweet smelling oils, and gently massaged me. Embarrassed, but I got used to it, and, yes, it was heavenly.
They were all, including some more girls, who were ‘in on it’, laughing their heads off when I emerged from the room. As the holiday ended, they told me, as a real treat, they had arranged for another massage for me. This time, bold as brass, I just asked which room, walked in, stripped, lay down with my modesty just about intact, and was mortified when a tall black middle-aged man entered and said he had come to do my feet. Perhaps fortunately for me, he also told me he was blind.

Brilliant one Dabbler. Have you any more yarns? Would you be in a bad mood if you had to clear out the loft?

Ann, now if RLR (I love knowing his first name) were here you know what he would tell you. A woman's place is in the kitchen, therefor it stands to reason that a man's place is in the loft!

Having just finished his breakfast, he's in a very tiny bit better humour, only a little mind you. There's a builder's skip in the drive which has to be filled and lifted again at 4 pm, so there's a bit of panic here. My eldest son took the day off to help so he also had a good fry. Anyway, why I'm writing is because I was summoned to the loft to give the all clear to items which they weren't sure about dumping. Whilst there I noticed a whole load of really old holy pictures. I authorised them for the dump but hubby is going through each one with a fine tooth comb. Katie, don't tell me to give them to the chapel, the chapel wouldn't have them. Better go before he catches me on this.

Dabbler,
I think he only told u that, to save ur embarrasment,between u and Ann, u both could fill up a few book shelves.
T.J. McKeown, was always immaculate,he would polish his shoes for ages and hair had to be perfect, he and Pat McCaugherty used to sing Dean Martin songs in harmony together, Pat was a lovely singer. (very Dean Martin).

Ann,
If I was u I would stay in M & S for most of the day, and ur hubby will have all done for when u get back.
Sweetie was the same here yesterday, could'nt get lights fixed in the kitchen ceiling, but thank God they are all fixed now, must say he worked all day at the lights.
Early this morning I woke, thinking I heard a noise, woke swettie up, he was not pleased,up he got, coughed, spluttered, banged a few doors, any burglar would have run for their lives (suppose that was what he was hoping), I got up and every thing was alright. So I went back to sleep.
Well this morning, swettie told me, he never fell asleep until after seven this morning, plus he said it rained non stop all night, so I am keeping out of his way.
Though I must say, most of the times he is soo laid back and easy going and always able to craic a joke.
( It's a laugh a minute).Ha Ha

Ann, I suppose all ur lovely flowers are nearly destroyed, my flowere are beaten-down with the rain, and the baskets are hanging there heads as if in shame.

Katie

I know Liz. And, as I said, I love my wee kitchen and I love cooking. Hubby's preferred place is sitting either reading the paper, watching football or horse racing. He hopes to go fishing tomorrow though.

Katie, forgot to say that part of hubby's grumpy mood, mind you only part of it, is that he said he never got sleeping with the rain last night. Me, being completely guilt-free, slept soundly dreaming of Johnny Depp. I haven't had my nose outdoors to see how my flowers are faring. What can you do? I know my tomatoes in the greenhouse will need a good watering as they haven't been watered for two days.

Katie, it is the easy going and sweet ones you have to watch. Have you forgotten the man in Belfast who murdered his wife, bet you have, and you're not on your best behaviour any more - watch out is what I say.

Dabler, Ann, Thelma,

Wee joke from the radio this morning, there used to be a pet shop in Smithfield, Belfast and during the troubles, this man burst into the shop,set a parcel on the counter, and told the owner you have five minutes to get out,and the parrot in a cage on the counter, shouted, hi mate y'r not giving the tortoise much of a chance.

Thelma,
No, hav'nt forgot about the man who killed, his wife, still being really nice to, u know who.
Going out tonight, with girls I used to work with so
sweetie does not like to be on his own (or so he says).

kaite

Katie, maybe I'll call round.

Ann,

Your welcome

Told sweetie, just going up stairs for a shower,(very late the morning)so sneaked into the back room/back lounge to the computer ,sweetie peeped through the lounge door and said, have we an En Suite of the lounge now.

Katie

Katie, I'm extremely late this morning and I also am only going for a shower, wash my hair. Mind you, I had a shower yesterday so that might suffice. What do you think? I would never do in Canada, they're showering all the time there.

Well, the 8 ton skip is full and the workmen, who were supposed to call at 4 pm today, say they will come tomorrow. They were paid when the skip was left here. That's workmen for you. Anyway, that's not the reason I am writing. Another wee episode from Canada.

I have no recollection of the meal we had that night, probably because we were knackered with all the champagne, excitement, etc.

Anyway, that weekend it was my niece's wedding anniversary and I suggested that she and her husband should go off and we would look after her wee boy. They were delighted and took us at our word. Off they went. My sister and I had the place to ourselves and were quite relaxed, not that we weren't relaxed when they were there, but you know what I mean. We took the child out to the park in the afternoon and he had great delight in throwing some sticky type plant on my back. I must say I encouraged him to get excited, then was sorry that I had because my energy was running out. We went back to the house and decided we would all go out for a meal, which we did. The restaurant we went to had everything from breakfast, lunch to dinner and tea, plus fruit, everything. I was gobsmacked, didn't know what to eat and cannot remember now. Anyway, we had a great meal with wine which made us quite relaxed. We decided we would go to the off-licence and get a bottle of wine, take it back to the house, put the child to bed, and relax in front of the telly in our pyjamas. We had the whole house to ourselves.

It was a lovely evening and we wandered back to the house, calling at the off-licence, discussing whether we should get a Chardonnay or Pinot Grigio, maybe even sparkling wine. We thought maybe two bottles, after all we had the whole weekend. When we arrived at the off-licence we were shocked to find it closed, shutters and all down. It was the the only off-licence in the small town. I says to my sister, "What a place - no off-licence open at this time". Despondently, we went back to the house, bathed the child and put him to bed. We looked at each other, and as if we could read each other's mind, we said, "What about the Lucky Leprahauns". We had brought about 10 Lucky Leprahauns, filled with a tot of whiskey, to hand out to people we were going to visit. We tripped over each other getting into the bedroom where the cases were and, sure enough, there were the Lucky Leprahauns full of the amber nectar. We drank them all and then I went to bed. I had a great night's sleep. My sister, I think she could have had more, sat on to watch television. Next day, she remonstrated with me about leaving her "all Saturday night" on her own. What sort of country is that where the off licences shut at 8 pm or so. We had a laugh about that later.

Back on the grandson,s lap-top & see we r being portrayed as alcholics in Canada, more like the 2 Fat Ladies!!! We had some experiences for as the family says "When u 2 get together!"...Here is another one.
We went for a w/end to a 5star Hotel where we were on the 5th floor, u got off at the 3rd floor walked thru a lovely lobby to another lift to the 5th, o.k. when someone knows the way. We went shopping, sightseeng etc & returned to the hotel late, had a drink in the lounge downstairs & brought one up with us for later. Got out of the first elavator into the next but when we alighted found we were on a different floor. In again , same thing, all the floors were decorated the same so we got completely lost. We decided after about 6 sailings up& down to take a tiny lift in the lobby between floors. In we got again, drinks in hand & arrived in the kitchens of the Hotel,amazing the foriegn cook who looked startled at 2 fat ladies crushed in the food elavator. He kindly offered to guide us to our room where another amazed group stepped back when they seen us & the enormous black cook in his white chef,s hat escorting us down a corridor. We collapsed in fits of laughter & certaintly need the gin & tonic,s. As usual my granny,s words came to mind." U can take youse but u dare,nt lave youse" Great holiday on our own,if Hubby & Joe knew we would b frowned upon...Pat.

Funny story Dabbler, Holidays r great fun . Can just picture you in the massage parlour, Joe will only go for a Back massage to a sports masseur, he is old-fashioned & very strait-laced about such nonense as he calls it. Any more stories.? Pat

Liz,
Regarding the murder, maybe his wife posted too much personal and house keeping nonsence on line?
Terry

U slipped that one in niecely Terry, but we don,t mind sharing our personal experiences with friends. Have a nice day....Pat

Tom and I were staying overnight in Charlotte Carolina with friends from Belfast Tom and Kathleen O'Hara. We were taken out for breakfast. On the journey we were told that everyone who lives there say they are from Ireland. On arrival at the diner we were shown to our seats, our waitress was a very large black women, a real black Mama. She took our order, chatted briefly, brought our order back. She told us what a beautiful accent we had and wanted to know where we came from and we told her Co Antrim, in Ireland. She proceeded to tell us in a deep southern accent her ancestors came from Cork ! We had a job keeping our faces straight !

Hi everyone. Saturday today. Decided early this morning to clear out my wardrobe. Was in the middle of this when my daughter rang asking me if I would go to her youngest daughter's Fun Day at her primary school. Had no option but to agree as the said daughter is more than willing to help out at any time. Hurrying up, I sort of got the wardrobe cleared and filled two plastic bags with clothes for the Salvation Army. Anyway, down we went to the Fun Day. It was held inside as the weather has turned cold and wet. The noise of all the children would have put you round the bend. I did enjoy it and bought 4 books for 50p plus 4 jazz CDs for 50p. We bought burgers and hot dogs and then made our escape . Little did I know tht far worse was to follow. My daughter had to go to M & S and we were there for hours. I tell you, when I'm finished this I'm going in to sit with my feet up and watch TV - anything will do.

I have another wee yarn from Canada. One day my niece, her husband and child, my sister and I were out for a drive. We were in a people carrier with the child at the very back in a safety seat. After driving for a while, we noticed this car right alongside us. It kept beside us (we were in the country) for about 6 miles or so. Only it was a woman driving the car I would have been quite worried. However, eventually she began pointing at our people carrier and my niece's husband slowed down and stopped. So did the car. The woman began gesticulating in our direction and mouthing off a great deal. All I heard was my niece's husband apologizing to her before she drove off. We then asked what it was all about. What had happened was, the child in the back had had a nosebleed, unbeknown to any of us. He had been dabbing his wee nose with tissues and then throwing them through the window. That's the reason this old bag had followed us. Apparently she called the child a trash lout and when my niece's husband said he was only a child, and we hadn't known, she said that now was the time to train him. I agree about rubbish being thrown around is not on, and something does need to be done, but to follow a car with several adults in it for 6 miles - I think she definitely had a problem. I know one thing, if it had happened here in Norn Iron SHE would have ended up with a bloody nose. Imagine my niece's husband apologising to her. I couldn't believe it. If only I'd know what was going on she would have heard a few choice words which she may not have heard before, but which she wouldn't have forgotten in a hurry. Sorry it's not a funny one this time.

Liz,
Taking note of ur comment, and still behaving, weather
not good here, wet and very cold. (Out of the hot into the cold). Did u read Dabbler's story?. He can tell them a bit of Frank Carson in him.

Katie

Pat,
Nice one Pat, I am too nice a lady to reply, just back from a house were a girl I worked with, daughter has
has died 39 years, her mother said this past week she had been reading some of the stories from Lisburn Exiles (which I had told her mother about,)although she was soo weak, her eyes would open and she would try to smile. Her husband said he knew she had enjoyed the stories.
What a sad house and three little children left.
To-day has put things in perspective for me, what is important and what things are not.

Katie

Pat, yes your story was true except it was ONE FAT LADY. I'm not saying which one. I'll have to tell the tale about our exploits on the plane on our return - again, perfectly true.

Katie, that was very sad news. You are a good Samaritan and I'm glad our personal stories gave that girl a smile as she was dying. I hope someone does the same for me when my time comes.

Some fat people can look in a mirror & a thin person looks back. How about you? Pat

That sounds like a comment from Joe. How do you put up with him?

Katie, sorry to hear of a young person dying, my brother died aged 30 & another when he wa 52, anniversary today, miss them always. Give her Mother my condolences......Pat

As u said yourself "Till death do us part" Pat

Pat,& Ann,

Forgot to turn the computer off.So last word for the night.

Thank you for ur condolence, will pass it on.
You both will understand how it is for the family.
I remember your brothers well (RIP). I did not know it was an anniversary of one of them.

Katie

Yes, Katie, it was Joseph's anniversary on 16th June. Pat and I and his whole family were with him as he died. He had a very peaceful death with the priest sitting for hours beside him reading out prayers, not all the time, just when his breathing changed. My mother would have been so contented as she always worried about Joseph living in "Pagan England". In fact, we'll never get as peaceful a death as he did, with the whole family around. It was Father's Day too and all his cards were on display. We had arrived just the day before and he had been able to talk with us before he got really too weak to say anything. After he died, his twin daughters lay down on either side of him and, although we didn't know it at the time, stayed beside him all night long. He was a good man and is sadly missed. Two good brothers gone long before their time, one aged 30 and the other aged 52.