I completed a psychometric test yesterday and just as I finished the last question, A RED ALERT came up on the screen. It said, "KEEP CALM, STAY WHERE YOU ARE AND A SQUAD CAR WILL BE DOWN SHORTLY ACCOMPANIED BY SOMEBODY CALLED MARY OR MARIAH. I didn't like the sound of this so decided to take action. I quickly filled a flask with tea, made a few cheese sandwiches (handy), placed my two wee dogs at the front door to ward off the polis and crept up to the roof space. It was dark inside so I felt around for a good hiding place. Crawling around on my hands and knees I came across my son's fishing equipment, you know, nets, reels, fishing rods, wellington boots, etc. I found an old raincoat too and sat down on this. Placed my flask and sandwiches beside me. I always have a good appetite. For camouflage, I placed a fishing net over my head. I thought to myself, well, if the polis see the fishing net and notice me peeping through, they'll think that an oul trout has got caught in it from the last fishing trip. Half of them haven't great eyesight anyway. I placed a sou'wester hat on top of this. This had all sorts of fishing flies hanging from it, you know, like the Australian hats with corks. I found my grandson's old water pistol too. I knew that, unable to get downstairs, I could fill it with somethin or other. (Well, we're all human). It was quite peaceful actually, although a bit warm, and for a while I dozed off. Upon wakening, I felt stiff. Not knowing the time of day, but getting a bit of cramp, I thought I'd have a wee peep out. I looked over the bannister. Heavens, there's two big polismen at the front door. Here, they're not half bad luckin'. Think I'll chance it and bring them in for a cup of tea. They don't know it, but they might never get out. (only jokin'). My wee dogs were quiet for once and just as I went to open the door, the polis fled back to their squad car. I thought I wasn't THAT bad looking but as I gazed into the mirror, I noticed in dismay the fishing net still over my face and the souwester with all the flies hanging from it, not to mention the water pistol which I had been inadvertently aiming at them. Anyway, lookin' out, the street is filling up with people and they're all lookin' at my house, pointing. Maybe Mariah or Big Mary, whoever she is, is coming to deal with me. I'll give her a run for her money if she comes here. I stick my tongue out at all the nosey parkers, and do several other rude things but they don't go away.

Here, another big polisman is coming to the door. He doesn't even seem to notice my weird gear, but whispers to me in a confidential manner that Prince Charles and Camilla are here today (I missed all that, being stuck in the roofspace). Anyway, you know how the Royals choose a certain house for an impromptu cup of tea. Well, guess, what, it's my wee house Charles and Camilla are coming too. And me boggin' as well. Haven't time to take off the camouflage but the Royals are well used to strange looking people and won't even mention it. They'll probably think its some old Celtic tradition. I'll have a wee word with Charles and see if he can get me a reprieve from wherever this squad car was taking me. Goodness, here they come and isn't that a lovely pistachio green suit Camilla has on. Oh, those oul neighbours'll be jealous. I'm glad I stuck my tongue out at them. Three cheers for Charles and Camilla. HIP HIP HOORAY.

Ann, all I can say is well, you had me in fits of laughter. And you have a brother who is cleverer than you? Never! Glad your time out is over, it was very quiet.

Liz

Liz,
I can assure she has at least one brother decidedly cleverer than her.
In fact her isometric test was compiled by him and he tells me she failed comprehensively.
She has, therefore, been returned to the kitchen with a recipe for soda bread attached to her forehead.

RLR

Ann,
That was just hilarious to read. Does your husband know all the antics you get up to in that imagination of yours?

Thelma

Thelma, Liz and LR. No, my husband doesn' know half what's in my head, although I think he can guess. Am just recovering from the Johnny Depp film. Having a wee glass of wine to settle m'nerves. Talk to you all soon. Maybe an'or wee story. I have one in the Storypage (a true one) about my aunts.

Bless you Ann. That was funny. I'm glad you didn't take that day off.

Thank you all. Glad you enjoyed my wee piece of nonsense. I never know when the inspiration will strike. Not today as hubby and son are here and they always put me off!!!!

Ann

You could always make your hubby and son cups of tea, and oh yes, a piece of that soda bread RLR says you were making, or did you lose the recipe?

Liz

Liz, I make wheaten loaf. Been and done my shopping and the hubby and son are away fishing so have the house to myself and my two wee dogs. Beautiful evening. Just planted some nice purple pansies in the front after Charles' and Camilla's visit.

They had a great wee day here yesterday. I got out my good china teaset (a wedding present in 1961), set out cups, saucers and even piece plates. Because I had had no forewarning of the visit I only had ginger nut biscuits. in. Anyway, I made a big pot of tea and Charles and Camilla sat down, just at the kitchen table, no formalities or anything. Before I could stop myself I dunked a gingersnap into my tea, as I do. Prince Charles, not wanting to offend, dunked his too. Camilla just kept to the tea but played with the wee dogs. After the tea was over, Charles expressed a wish to see my back garden (you know how the neighbours were still all out the front jukin' in). I led him out and he noticed my orange lily just coming to bud. I have it planted in a pot, for a good reason. If OUR sort call, I hide it, but if the OTHER sort come, I give it pride of place on the deck. (I'm a cute one, I say, I'm a cute one). Anyway, he pointed out that something had been "at it" and right enough two of the buds are eaten away so I'll only have 5 flowers this year. He advised on organic deterrent. In fact, he was real nice, he talked to ALL the plants and had a wee look in my composter even. When we came back into the kitchen, he had another wee seat and you know the way he twiddles with his tie, it was gettin' on my nerves because he was at it from the minute he came in, twiddling, twiddling. Well, as I say he was twiddling a lot and I was going to ask him to unbutton his shirt and get comfortable. For goodness sake, who wears a shirt and tie in this weather. Then I looked over at Camilla, who was still engaged with the dogs, and she didn't seem to worry about him twiddling with his tie. I think she's got used to it, but it's an awful habit - wish I could have had a wee quiet word with him. Anyway I thought it better to say nuthin'. But, here dear, after the Royal couple left, I got a quare shock. Talk about being disgraced. You know the good china set. Well, I forgot that one of the cups has a wee crack in it. Yes, that was the one Prince Charles drank from. I don't know if he noticed but they're too polite to say anything. Well, with him dunkin' the biscuit and all, there was a wee piece of ginger snap trapped in the crack. I don't know whether to advertise it on e-Bay or not. Anyway, I haven't washed it but placed it back in the Welsh dresser. Get it, Welsh dresser, Prince of Wales gingersnap remains. Please advise me what to do Liz. Ta

Now, now Ann. I'm pleased to advise. You know the way house prices in Lisburn are going through the roof - well, you should rename your house immediately "Prince Charles House", and think of the increase in value, people would want it for sure. Except of course when the orange lilies had to be hidden, then you have to put a plaque over it, called "Camilla House" - people would think you had camillas in the garden you see.

And you could open the house (at a price - your hubby could be the door keeper - give him something to do), and let people in to see round. The Welsh dresser of course would be in high point, or the shrine, with the famous cup and ginger snap biscuit still intact in the little crack. Wait til you hear the oos and ahhs! Well, it would be better than any ol religious relic wouldn't it.

And the two wee dogs, well........You would have to exchange them for corgies of course, but there's fame for you!

Liz

Liz and Ann,

You two are a dream team if ever I heard one, you feed off each other like Morecambe and Wise used to do......
Keep it up.

Beano

U will have a visit one of these days & it ain't goin' to b Royal, if u keep this up.

Dabbler & Donald "Where R U" Pat

Can't stop looking at my wee cup and the wee bit of gingernut. Might do an Open Day and if those oul - Parish Church ones come (you know where I went for the Flower Festival), I'll put a plate full of £20 pound notes at the door on their way out. They couldn't do other than give the same. I'll make a fortune. But I wouldn'nt change me wee dogs. After all, Camilla stroked them so that could be worth a bob or two as well. Can't get them trimmed now, that's the only thing. I'll make as much as I can while the goings good.

I'm here making preparations for my birthday and entry in the " pensioners club ". I've been at home now for 5 years and today I got my last salary from the firm. As from next month I'll be an OAP. I know it's difficult to believe such a young looking chap receiving a pension. When I take my grandson Kilian to pre school all the young mums think I'm his older brother. I give him a few bob to tell them that. I've been in touch with the British pension lot and have been told I must wait until I'm 65 to qualify for a British pension. Discrimination against us chaps as British women get one at 60!
Donald

Yes, Donald, but we work twice as hard!!

Ann Did U ever hear that a talker talks but a worker works!!!!! Also "A woman's work is never done because she never does it" Hen

Woman to woman, I say "Boo, Hiss", I'm ashamed of you.