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First of all, many thanks for all the good advice you've given me both on the forum and in emails.
It makes me realise just how caring our fellowship is.
I hadn't felt well since May 2007, so many things were gong wrong at a time I should have been dancing for joy over such excellent, and very stable test results - after so long free of cancer meds.
I spiralled downwards into deep depression, my concentration gone, my zest for life disappeared.
It got worse by the day because no matter how hard I tried I just could not find any answers to my problems, particularly the constant bowel trouble.
It was 14 months before I finally told my family doctor and my oncologist how bad I felt.
Once I had done that, things began to improve.
It's been a hit and miss affair, trying to get the balance right, but finally I am out of the depths and once more able to focus, to enjoy life and to appreciate all the good things around me.
Every single one of you who has written to me has offered some pearl of wisdom.
I thought I was never going to win this particular battle, but I was wrong. With help, I got through.
A huge bonus has been that the bowel troubles have gone, simply by taking one loperamide tablet every other night for the last few months.
All I would say to anyone who is struck by depression, is PLEASE don't feel you must beat it yourself, or to consider yourself a failure becuase you are losing hope, and also losing all confidence in your own capabilities.
My oncologist told me just the other day, that he has seeen a number of cases similar to my own - where a guy has been so pro-active and optimistic in his PCa battle, for quite a few years, and yet has suddenly 'burned out' at the very time things are going well and results are far better than ever hoped for.
I did take some anti-depressants for a short time, but I firmly believe they caused my PSA to rise, because of their BPH side effects.
That was a huge mistake on my part. A few years ago I would have nevr taken any medication witout thoroughly researching the darn thing.
Anyway, I stopped them immediately I saw the rises and am confident my PSA will stabilise once more.
The one thing those meds did was to kick-start me back into life, but since I quit them, I have continued to maintain my improved mood through weekly appointments with a clinical psychologist who specialises in cancer cases.
I owe my oncologist a huge debt for putting me in touch with her.
So....Here I am, back to normal, hopefully still on the crazy side, but able to smile again and enjoy life.
I can even type an email in under 10 minutes, when for a year the same task could take an hour!
Never ever give up hope, remember that You Are Not Alone, and make the most of all the dear friends we have in the PCa community.
George, I am so glad you are feeling better. You were very encouraging to us when my husband was diagnosed in January 07 with Gleason 9, PSA 174. He has not been lucky enough to be off meds but is doing well on low-dose Ketoconazole. Bone scan and CT in July were completely normal. I just wanted to let you know that your story has been a help to us and we appreciate your support for others. So glad you are seeing some light at the end of the tunnel.
Aloha George,
Thank you for sharing your experience. It has been a few months since I got my thoughts back to "normal".
When I read stories like yours, it does bring back memories that I would rather forget. But, when you reach out with sharing, there are also good feelings. When there are so many bad feelings, you feel overwhelmed and confused. By looking for good feelings, finding happy thoughts, life is worth living. Just like the book; "how to be HAPPY, dammit".
Joe
Thank you for your replies. My daily routine is once again logging into this site as soon as possible to read the posts.
Sharon, I'm happy I was able to be of help when needed, and don't worry too much about the fact your husband is still on his meds.
After all, like me, his treatment plan was probably a 3-year one. I was only lucky that I had an onco who reluctantly agreed to let me stop mine early.
Hearing that his CT and bone scans were absolutely fine is a huge bonus for you both.
Joe, I know you went through much the same down-time as I did, and you were a massive help when I first attmpted to explain what was happening to me. THANK YOU!
Frankly, I have hesitated so many times in posting here because I was terrified that each time I felt brighter it would simply be yet another 'false dawn'.
I know in my heart now that I really am coming back to form, I've gotten stronger by the day over the past month.
And as for our good friend, 'The Stranger' (Don't be a stranger!, lol), thanks for your post.
You're right,a lot of guys (and their partners) have been hit hard by depression at various times through the illness.
Knowing that there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of can only help more people express their genuine fears and anxieties to others who really DO understand.
Not one of us here would ever say those infuriating words..."Pull yourself together, snap out of it!".
Come to think of it, we're a pretty wise old bunch here, aren't we? :)
Nice one George. You have just stated what we all feel about this site and each other. I do not know how I would have coped without the support and strength of our friends here and the site. The world is such a lonely place when you are initially told you have the problem until something like this place comes along.
keep well
David
My PSA test on Tuesday 13th October revealed that it had dropped down to 1.8 from 2.35.
I am convinced that I stopped taking those darn anti-depressant pills (Venlafxine / Effexor)in the nick of time.
To see the numbers go up from 1.3 to 1.7 and then up to 2.35 in the short time I took the pills convinced me that this particular drug is bad news for PCa guys.
It won't surprise me if the next test will reveal that my PSA has returned to around 1.3. where it had more or less stabilised over the two years since I ended ADT.
A lesson learned for me. Thank heavens I stopped when I did.
Thank heavens also, that my mood has remained stable, and I seem to be almost fully recovered from that over-long bout of depression - at last!
It just goes to show...you must never ever give up hope - about anything. I very nearly did, yet here I am, once more able to type (almost coherently too! lol).
