Adult Children of Mentally ill Parents

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Adult Children of Mentally ill Parents
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Getting tired of staying strong

I hope i find what im looking for on here but if i dont atleast i can get some venting done!

Where to begin!
Well im 21 years old and have been a mother to my mom for the past hmmm aslong as i can remember she suffers from depression bipolar borderline personality disorder and now paranoia on top of all that she is an alcoholic and drug addict. My mom has had a rough life, she was adopted when she was a baby to a very church going family she never really ffelt like she ever fit in and she was raped when she was younger. Over her time of life she has been hurt and just doesnt seem to be able to let go of the past. She got clean when i was 11 and my brother was 12 and my youngest brother was about 4. I was soo proud of her but it still didnt stop her mental health problems but sshe did alot better, Life seemed to be going alot better than it had in my life except for the fact my youngest brothers dad took him away from us. Then my mom got married and he ended up cheating on her we moved out, my oldest left home at 16 so she was my responsibility, if only i could be as oblivous as my brother, but my step dad cheated on her so there goes so more of her self esteem, she still seemed to be doing pretty good except she took his cheating to the extreme was certian there was alot more then he said but he had his own issues. She moved to ohio and of course i went with her so she didnt have to go alone and it wasnt untill i moved back to az things went down hill. She started drinking again and apparently drugs again i just found out. My whole life i have been afraid of my mom killing herself she has told me a hundred times she doesnt know why she exsist and she wants to disapear and she wish she was dead, but any who long story kinda short just recently her drinking increased and her cocaine use increased except this time the POS drug dealer lied said it was coke but it was bath salts. The past 2 months i have expierence soo much i wish i never had expierence my mom hearing voices seeing things paranoid that i was high or having sex with the nieghbor and thought my dad was getting a blow job on the phone and just silly things. I finally convinced her to go to rehab and now she clean and sober things have gotten worse the bath salts ****ed with her head bad now they dont know if they can give her the help she needs cause she admitted of having sucide thoughts and my dad and i cant afford a mental hospital i just dont know what to do with her anymore! I cant keep putting my life on hold to care for her.

My brother is soo lucky he doesnt know the reality of it. I just want my mom back and im just not sure how to handle it and i was hoping to find some people that have better hold on it. I have been strong my whole life and im sooo afraid to end up like her :(

All my relationships fail cause once things get serious i run. I never think i am good enough for anything because for goodness sakes i cant even keep my mom happy, im not good enough for my mom how can i be good enough for somebody else