This is my first post on anything like this in an effort to reach out for support, so here goes nothing. I am eighteen years old, my mother suffers from Bipolar Disorder. She was diagnosed when she was in her twenties, but I did not find out about my mother's illness until I was twelve, when she had a manic episode. Since then, my mother has pretty much made my life hell. At that young age, I was still wrapping my head around my mother's illness. I felt betrayed, and I watched as my mother turned into an entirely different person with her erratic manic episodes and her low depressive states. She physically and verbally abused me to the point where it no longer seemed to faze me because I grew so accustomed to it. No one knows the extent of the abuse my mother inflicted upon me. My father, he is truly a wonderful man and I love him with all my heart, was traveling a lot and he knows my mother has said some mean things to me but I never wanted to worry him by telling him about what my mom put me through. When I was in high school my mom was hospitalized once again my sophmore year and i watched as it really took a toll on my father. He wished he could be there more for my twin brother and I and had no idea what to do with my mother. I felt I needed to be strong, and comfort my distraught, crying father. My brother, who was always a mama's boy, was always babied. He is such an amazing kid, but everyone always sought to protect him since he had a harder time with school,friends, etc. than i always had. So, it was left to me to take care of my brother and my mom. I grew up, alot. Right now, I have moved away from home and am in college, this has caused my mom to have another manic and depressive episode. She was admitted to a hospital a few weeks ago after threatening to kill herself. She was admitted involuntarily by my cousin and only stayed for five days. She was out for a week or so and was going to come visit me this past weekend for my schools "fall family weekend". I wasn't really looking forward to her visit, given her state of mind, but its been a HUGE adjustment being so far from home, getting used to a new school, friends, etc. so a part of me thought it would be nice to see a familar face. The week leading up to this past weekend was anxiety filled because I worried that it would turn into a weekend of me babysitting my mother, us fighting, etc. She called me this past friday and we got into a huge fight that ended with her screaming at me telling me "i am so ****** at you, you worthless ****** i want to choke you" this words and this kind of emotional abuse from my mother is all too familiar for me. I puked after that conversation. As a result it is hard for me to accept the love of others since i feel as if my own mother doesnt love my and has compromised my past relationships with boyfriends as I usually break things off right when they really start to have feelings. Its something im aware of and have decided to go to therapy, and find a support group. this is part of my recent attempt to finally help myself overcome the many consequences of growing up with a mentally ill mother Anyway, after that conversation with my mother i put on a mask of a happy face and took my english test and went on with my day like i always do. Saturday my mother was supposed arrive, I had such a loss of appetite and was very anxious waiting for her arrival that day. She told me she was going to arrive at four and i texted her telling her to call me when she arrived. 4 came, then 5, 6, 7, 8 o'cock. I had called and texted her all day, I had called my grandparents, her friends, no one knew where she was. I freaked out crying to my best friend over the phone thinking something must have happened. Finally, a little after 9 she called me telling me her phone had died and that her flight was actually for sunday night and she would stay till tuesday. I told her it was pointless of her to come since Sunday night i had two projects due for class as well as an essay due, monday i have class in the morning then a break and another class form 3-5 and would be caught up doing homework and studying for a midterm for my psychology class (my mothers illness has sparked the interest, one good thing that came out of dealing with her) She said that i should stop being selfish and make time for her. i gave up, told her that although it was pointless since i was going to be so busy, she could do what she wants since that what she always does, she only cares about herself. Sunday came around and I got a call from my aunt telling me that police brought my mother to the ER and that she was being admitted to the hospital. No surprise there.We still dont know exactly how the police got involved since my mother being in a manic state was not cooperating with the social worker, but she will be hospitalized for 5 days then she has a choice to voluntarily commit herself or she is discharged. My mom called me today telling me she would not be able

Hey, Emilia.

Just want you to know that sometimes you won't realize how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. I have a mother suffering from OCD and depression. And there are times when I just hope all of us are dead. or at least me. I've felt guilty for blaming things on her. and I've actually forgotten how my mom used to be when i was younger. she's a stranger to me now. There's no one i can turn to when i have problems. no one could understand what hell i'm going through. But i hope we can all stay strong for what is in the future. One day we'll be free.