Adult Children of Mentally ill Parents

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Adult Children of Mentally ill Parents
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Bipolar Mom Deciding to End it all

Hi! This is my first post. I have a mom who is bipolar and has been since I was little. I lived through abuse by her hand with beatings and belittling. She almost chocked me to death when I was 8 with a dish towel. She told me if I told anyone I would be taken away and locked up. So I kept quiet. I also took the abuse so she would not turn on my little brother. As I got bigger and could fight back the physical part ended. But I was always told I was ugly and stupid and would never amount to anything. For a long time I believed her. Then I met my husband and got out of that house and my self esteem turned around as he told me daily what a beautiful wonderful person I was. My mother was never happy. Nothing is ever good enough. When my father turned 49 he started having health problems. It started with a heart attack and over the years has been diagnosed with heart disease, COPD, CHF, Stroke, and diabetes type 2. Of course my mother blamed it all on my father saying it was his own fault when really alot had to do with the stress of dealing with her for years. Then last summer my mothers health started to deteriorate. She began losing weight, not eating or vomiting when she did, balance issues and the such. After months of begging her to see a doctor she was rushed to emergency when she started vomiting blood. She was diagnosed with total kidney failure and put on dialysis. She was also told that she would be put on the Kidney transplant list after extensive testing. That was 8 months ago. In that time she has 2 times said she was quitting dialysis because it was to much. She has been an angry, aggressive person much more lately. She lashes out at everyone. She hits and screams and will not give anyone any peace. My father just had another stroke due to this. I have had years of counselling and forgave my mother for my childhood coming to terms with the fact that it was her disease and not something she had much control over. But this last week my father got out of the hospital and she started in on him immediately. Finally after 3 days of unrelenting yelling and hitting he came to my house to spend the night. She of course left me messages saying what a horrible person I was and I should go to hell. Then call crying and saying sorry I love you. I told her Dad would stay with me tell she got herself under control. Of course Dad decided to go home the next day because he felt guilty for leaving her. What I did not know and no one told me till this last Thursday was that she had stopped going to dialysis again and had missed 3 treatments. She informed my father she had decided to not go anymore due to the fact that while he was in the hospital she got word she does not qualify for a transplant because of the condition of her heart and lungs. She was fully aware that without the treatment within 3 weeks she would die. She also refused to see or talk to me stating she just wants peace and no one to bother her. My father has blocked her from me and has not been keeping me up to date. She is getting weaker and weaker by the day. The only link I have is my brother who lives with them. I have been crying for days thinking my mom is going to die and does not want to see me. Then today my brother calls and says she is planning on going to dialysis on tuesday. This was all a game for her to get attention and I am mad. I have been through hell this week and I can't take much more. I am not sure if I should believe she is really going or not. Just yesterday I was told she is 95% sure she is not going again and now she is! Don't get me wrong I am glad she is going but I also feel someone should deem her mentally incompetent of making her own medical decisions. I will not go through this again. I will not have my family see me so upset again due to this woman. She has put all of us through hell my whole life and I have had enough. I just don't know what to do. I am mentally tired of the emotional ups and downs. Here I am rearranging my life preparing for the death of my mother (I am a girl scout leader and we are going on a trip this friday that I had to tell my co-leaders I might not make) and she is playing freaking games again. She seems to hate everyone and finds joy in when she makes them just as miserable as she is. I know this is a long post and I am sorry but I really needed to get it out. Can anyone out there commiserate with me? How do you deal with this without making yourself go insane? I don't want to cry anymore!