Welcome to Adult Children of Mentally ill Parents Discussion Forum!!! Dedicated to the validatation and encouragement towards one another in tranquil and perilous times a mist the obscure insanity of a loved one.
Mother with yet to be diagnosed Bipolar- she has refused physiological help over the years and will only see 'family Councillor s'
I am about to reach my 23rd Birthday, If i could have seen how far i have come. From a young girl terrified to walk through the front door after school. Being the child sent to school with no lunch. Being moved and uprooted frequently,living out of gym bags weekly being put in overnight daycare, shifting counselor to counselor because 'You (the child) are the reason she cannot cope, you are struggling and you need help'.
After years of watching my mother Abuse and automatically blame my elder brother for him rightfully behaving like a child, her moods, absence of parenting skills and lack of friends.I have had the memories of manipulation and twisted games, she would play me against my brother coming back to me. After multiple calls to social services ( I lied for my mother on two occasions under the age of 11) my brother fled to my fathers home at 13. It was about three months after our mother dumped us at our fathers (with out a call or arrangement)with a weekend bag for two months while she went interstate. My brother lived until 17, he was killed in a road accident. He proved himself a positive and great contribution in society in the time he had before dying, despite the childhood we had.
Soon after my brother had moved into my fathers care, She (like my brother had warned me) had turned her wrath onto me.Part of me felt i needed to be there for her, watching her struggle with simplistic life issues. For years i comforted her delusions of knowing the child she had lost (later grieved) and abused. Both of us had watched her play the victim/ pity me game and losing a child was the jackpot for her.
Throughout primary school i was ashamed about the dirty house we had, her appearance, my lack of hygiene and found it isolating.
I spent a good percentage of my time in Family day care from age 4 on-wards. My mother would go through stages where she would put us in care for full working weeks regardless if working. Sometimes it would whittle down to just staying two nights in care and the rest in the nightmare.
Being placed in fully functional family home would make me feel guilt and ashamed. There would be weeks where i would be dropped off with no underwear packed, clean uniforms nor toiletries.
One family i stayed with (from 11 to 13 years) had me sleeping on a blow up mattress for four nights a week. The constant reminder of a "real" family home and being the dirty child on a inflatable mattress in there study made it all the more painful.
After years of physiological abuse and down right absurd ideals and concepts she would create out of little to no evidence or logical thought. Never owning up to her own behavior and responsibilities (including the abuse/ neglect) I have tried to keep a distance, simple responses/ questions. ignore her calls- they are so draining, one sided and manipulative.
I have rented, lived Independently from 16 years old stayed with her on three occasions (Between moves and returning from abroad) traveled saved and handled my own finances.
part of me occasionally slips in to the 'I wish" mode where i think she may be better but the manipulative and vindictive side outs soon after. This last Year and a half I was foolish enough to tell her about things she can claws into, fiances, work issues, contact numbers etc. for some reason find myself not standing up to her despite every inch of my body saying don't, You know she'll turn on you. I blame myself for letting her lies/ delusions about her life my brother and i go on. I feel anger towards my mothers side of the family for letting her behave like she has and not stepping in. I am confused as to why my father left us in her care or how the state chose her over him??
Right now I don't know what to do. I thought she had softened over the years i had distanced myself. Forgetting how well she cant mask and fake!
After a series classic mum behavior, including (turning up without prior notice) on our doorstep multiple times. I asked for some space Via text message(talking is ineffective as she only wants to argue, manipulate and belittle) she continued to call (my mother can leave up to 6 voice-mail messages per day) despite my "please only leave a message for urgent or emergency purposes". calls , texts my partner constantly and sometimes before trying me. Has gone to the extent of tracking down my Partners old work place in-order to find his new one and calling him on the job. also got his mothers address and mailed his mother asking her to call her. All of that effort because she has some how decided without his mothers knowledge (or ours) , my Boyfriend's Mother "is going to a festival with her and she would like her number to arrange it"?!
I have scheduled a psychologists appointment for myself, the stress (along with my life issues) is overwhelming.
I want a future with my
I just joined this forum, so I'm sorry for the delay in reply. I hope that you see this. I surely don't have easy answers, but you sound very brave and smart. I am almost 50, life is imperfect, but it has gotten much much better every year. You're reaching out for help--that takes so much courage and strength. Some people never take this step!
Best wishes to you in your journey. Keep on keeping on.