I really need some advice from children of schizophrenic parents in their 30's and 40s.

I'm in my early 20s. I've just graduated from college and am starting a career that I love. There is a wonderful man in my life who I want to marry someday. I have everything going for me.

Which is utterly terrifying. Everything in my life suggests that I have a bright and happy future to look forward to, but the pain and confusion of my past are overshadowing that future.

My mother is a manic depressive paranoid schizophrenic. I lived with her until I was about 7 when the courts placed me in the care of my aunt and uncle. After that I lived in a happy stable family and I grew up to be a fairly happy, stable adult. I haven't let my dark beginings keep me from achieving my dreams and living my life to the fullest. And while I've tried to make room for my birth mother in my life, I haven't allowed her or her disease to take over it.

But still, I live with two very real fears that keep me from celebrating my future.

The first fear is that I got off too easy. I never dealt with the things I went through as a kid emotionally or mentally. At age 8 or 9 I made a decision that I was going to be a happy, healthy person and I have been. But I worry now that I suppressed fears, emotions that I needed to deal with and someday I'll have to pay the piper - is that how the expression goes?

The second fear is of the disease itself. Children of schizophrenia are 10 times more likely to develop the disease than children of healthy parents. Schizophrenia manifests between the ages of 16 and 25. So, at 22 I have three more years until I'm out of danger.

I'm hoping that there are other children of Schizophrenia out there reading this who are a bit older than me and might be able to offer some insight or advice. Will I grow more confused about my past as I get older? Is it inevitable that at some point I will have to fall apart and face what I went through as a child? Is there anyone out there who was fine and then woke up one day and couldn't deal anymore?

And then, with the second fear, of becoming schizophrenic myself, I would love to have any words of wisdom for dealing with that. I can't imagine taking a job I love, getting married, setting up my life only to have my mother's disease manifest and lose it all. I can't imagine tying myself to someone I love if someday I could become the burden on him that my mother was on me.

I haven't let my mother's disease define my life, and I don't want to let my own fears define my future. But I need clarity. Please help.

Andi

I am an adult child of two mentally ill parents and can really relate. Neither of my folks had schizophrenia (dad-depression and alcoholism, mom-bipolar). I think I avoided really dealing with the issues around my upbringing until I was in my late 30s, perhaps because I was inwardly terrified about developing MI myself. Something that's been tremendously empowering to me is my connection to NAMI and doing their class: Family to Family. It gave me a grounding on a lot of the issues and connected me to a community of people dealing with similar issues. I have also been blogging about my experiences (acmi-spelunker.blogspot.com) which has been very cathartic. Counseling is another place where I have found a great deal of help and support. Having MI parents can be terrifying, and the stigma and shame around the topic in our culture makes the road much more steep than it need be. But things are gradually changing and by the time you're 30 I bet it will be a lot easier to talk about than it is today. My two cents: It is a journey so don't count on any quick fixes; commit to the journey and have faith it will become easier over time.

Ben

Andi,

I'm 27, and while not just out of college, certainly can relate to your fears. More than I could possibly explain in just one paragraph. Having the awareness that you do, and setting the boundaries for your mother as you have, is already a step in the right direction. My mother too is a paranoid schizo, as well as bipolar.

I am currently reading "My Parent's Keeper: Adult Children of the Emotionally Disturbed", by Eva Marian Brown. It's only $13 on Amazon, and worth every penny. I have literally been highlighting the sentences as I read, because there are so many that pertain to my own life, and my fears. Fears that you share as well. READ THIS BOOK.

Also, if you can find a local chapter of NAMI, it's possible that they have a support group for Adult Children of the Mentally Ill. I found my group last year, and I go every month like clock work. It truly helps.

And lastly, I started writing a blog online that I don't share with anyone except other people who are children of the MI. If you want to read, it's hermotherlessdaughter.blogspot.com It has been an incredible outlet for me to express my own worst thoughts and fears without worrying about reprobation.

It's hard to hear other folks say things like "don't be afraid that it will happen to you" - I was a kid whose father watched my every move and mood to make sure I didn't inherit my mother's illness. I used to write about my own fear that I would become my mother - I look like her, had acne like her, the same artistic talents as her. But the difference, like you said, is making yourself AWARE of the signs, and SEEKING HELP if any of them make you concerned. The minute my depression sank in, and I recognized it for what it was, I sought out a therapist, and I know that my response to those signals saved me from anything greater. If I had turned out to be BP as well, my experience with my mother taught me the importance of medication and treatment. And that, to me, is the big difference. I know what is at stake if I did not seek treatment for myself. Now, I am an adult for myself, and work through my mood swings as best I can. If and when I ever get into more extreme thoughts, I will work through it and move on with my life.

I'm here for YOU! And you are NOT ALONE.