Dear Jea,

When I read your story it felt like I was listening to my own. I understand the pain, confusion, guilt and anger that you feel becasue I have lived with them every day of my life.

I am told that my mother was brilliant and compassionate before the schizophrenia set in. I never met that woman. Until I was 7 years old I lived with her and her delusions on an emotional roller coaster.

Although I was removed from her care while I was still young enough to recover my life, I live with the guilt of having abandoned her, the pain of never seeing her happy or tranquil and the confusion of hating and loving her at the same time. I have tried to keep her in my life as much as I can.

My first year of college she called me, convinced that I had become a terrorist and begged me not to fly planes into buildings. I know how it feels to dread the phone ringing, and then feel guilt tearing you apart when you don't answer and later have to listen to a hysterical voice mail.

Schizophrenia not only steals a person from you, it steals all sense and reason from the air around that person. You live with their delusions as much as they do.

Here is the comfort I can give to you:

1. You are not alone. I have lived through what you have lived through, and I understand everything you said you feel. Nothing you have felt is wrong or unnatural. Anyone would have felt the same pain, confusion and anger that we have felt had they been in our situation. Do not punish or blame yourself for anything you feel.

2. Your mother, the woman she would have been had she not been sick, does love you. She's there, buried deep under the disease, and she sees how much you love her, how much you have put yourself through to take care of her. Those glimpses of love that you saw growing up? That was her, the person that she really is, shining through the disease, however briefly. My mother, I suspect like yours, has gotten worse as the years have gone on and those glimpses of love and sanity became fewer and farther between. Eventually her lucid moments have stopped altogether. When they stop altogether for your mother Jae, you should try to let her go. Like cancer, schizophrenia is progressive. If your mother had had cancer you would have watched her grow weaker and evenatually die and you would have to let her go. With schizophrenia, when you no longer see the loving, sane woman shining through at all, it is time to let her go. At that point there will never be anything you can say or any help that you can give her that will ease her suffering. It won't make her happier or less sick to see you or speak to you. But it will continue to hurt you. Therefore, when she's gone and you're ready to let go, I suggest that you remove yourself from her life. Know at that point that you have been a good daughter and that wherever she is, your mother will always love you. And then try to love yourself and salvage your own life.

I hope this has helped you some and I hope that you will find peace and safety in your own life. Surround yourself with people that love you and let them help you wash away the self doubt and all the other horrible feelings that Schizophrenia plants. Make yourself happy. That is what your mother would have wanted for you.

With my very best wishes for your happy future,

Andrea

Thank you for writing this!
I am 23 years old and am finally trying to find help for myself after a few years of trying to get help for my mother who REFUSES to see anybody or take any medication! Exactly like your story, my mother believes the government is against us. Says police officers live in our house and spy on us through the vents. And any time I try to reason with her she says I am working with them and calls me a lot of horrible names and says really nasty hurtful things to me...when I am only trying to help :/
Reading your story is the first time I have heard that there really is somebody out their dealing with the exact same thing! Thank you thank you thank you! I know I have a very long road ahead of me but I will not allow her to hurt my mental health any longer. I also really appreciated Andrea's post....She said some things that really brought me to tears but is very true.
I hope that since it has been a little over a year (I think) since you wrote this you have been able to answer some of your questions....if you still read this, and have any advice for me it would be much appreciated? I am tired of trying to get help for her, it is time to get help for myself.