Hello. I was removed from the custody of my biological mother before age 2. Her refusal to get the support she needed resulted in me becoming adopted by my foster parents. Around age 18, I was curious about my biol. mother so I found out all of her diagnosis and boy did that depress me. I struggled in my 20's to survive the best I could. Maybe five years ago, she wrote me a letter that scared me. Recently, I found out that my biol. mother died in mid-September of last year. I have felt guilty and a huge sense of grief for not being able to care for her and also a loss from never knowing her as a mother. This is very sad for me. Spiritually, I know that illness doesn't affect the soul and that for some reason God wanted me to exist and my biological mother was a person with an illness and I know now she is not suffering as she did when she was alive. Maybe before she died, I prayed for her health and safety. Now, I pray that she is happy in her soul's journey. I am still sad for me. I think this is because for some time, my identity has been connected to her's and I want to give myself an opportunity now for me to be my own person without the legacy of her illness.

Alicia,

It's great that you're reaching out. I am sure that you have had a deep bond with your biological mother at some level all these years. I was separated from my dad at age 6 (never saw again) and I feel my connection with him very strongly. It's like an ache that I have for a person I was never able to grow up with, though in some way I was supposed to. I think our bond with our parents is very powerful, even if they act as our parents for only a short while.

Have you been able to grieve your loss? Do you have a support network to help you?

Ben