Hello,

I am 48 years old, so hopefully can share my experience abut my mentally ill mother and how I have dealt with her. She has always been a manic depressant, and attempted suicide when I was five. Since my father is an alcoholic and divorced my mother when I was ten, I just always parented her and viewed her as a victim, and became a parent for my brothers, sister and mom.

I was the oldest of four. I joined the Navy and had my mom and my sister (14 years young than me) live with me for my eight years of active duty Navy. At the age of 27 I was honorably discharged from the Navy and went on to settle in another state and have a baby. My sister has always felt abandoned by me and consequently was recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. All four of us were molested and my mom blamed me for being molested by my father.

At the age of 38, I fell in love with a "normal" man who has a great family - and believe me...no family is "perfect." My mom cried for herself when I fell in love, and became drunk and yelled at me on my wedding day. I did not let her ruin my day. My husband and I are going to celebrate 9 years of marriage in September. We have had our rough times and I have to be reminded that I don't always have to wait for the other shoe to drop or "take care" of everyone around me all the time.

My daughter is turning 20 and my son is turning 7 soon. The one beautiful thing about being brought up by psychotic parents is that you find out you can make choices they haven't, and your children can benefit from your healing.

I have seen a lot of therapists over the past fifteen years, mainly so that my children never suffered from anything I may unintentionally pass along. I highly recommend therapy, afterall there is ALANON for children of alcoholics and there needs to be support (similar to this web site) for us who are surviving our parents' psychotic episodes.

Most recently I have found a new way to deal with my mother. I have and always will love my mom. As with alcoholics or any illness...they weren't always drunk or depressed. They were at times, loving and caring, at least the best they could. So, I recently wrote 3 letters to my mom. The first was three pages typed and was extremely venemous. The second was still bringing up a lot of the hurt from when I was a child and ended up including what I wished for my mom and my relationship. The third is the one I mailed. It was one page and very direct. I explained that my heart aches every time I talk to her on the phone. I explained that depression and her addiction to vicadin for the past ten years has hurt me and is affecting how I react to my husband and children. I told her that I will always love her, but being a mom makes me responsible for my children's happiness and I can not be an effective mom if I go through mood swings after talking with her. I enclosed two articles about depression and vicodin. I told her how much I hoped she would get help for her illness so that we could share life moments in the future. She called before receiving that letter and I explained to her that I can no longer talk with her, but she was welcome to write me and her grandchildren. She cried and hung up on me. I was hurt and felt very guilty. Today I am relieved. I respectfully distanced myself from my mom so that I do not carry her illness on to my chidren.

If you think getting married is going to be hard...then, if you have children, you will question your relationship with your mother even more.

Please remember that your mom is ill and if she were well, she would not want you to be hurt. Being a mom means you should protect your children from harm - not cause them harm. Don't let your mother's illness ruin your life. Letter therapy is great, and boundaries are even better. You do not have to shut your mom out of your life, but instead let her know that if she gets treatment she is welcome into your life.

I wish you love and happiness in your new marriage and do the things your inner-parent tells you to do to protect and love yourself.

Since I am old enough to be your mom - please feel free to e-mail me and I will advise you as a healthy mom.

Love,
Mom