Hi,

I just want to let you know that I understand and I am here for you.
My mom has paranoia schizophrenia and it's been very, very hard. I also miss my mom, even though she did horrible things to me, we also had good moments and that's what I miss.

I also planned my wedding by myself and definitely wished I had a real mom to help me & be there for me. How unfair that on top of everything I had gone through I couldn't even have a real mom that day!
I realized something though, that although I didn't have my mom mentally present with me, God had blessed me with an amazing husband and that marrying such an amazing man who has unconditional love for me was my reward.
I hope God rewards you the same way :-).

Wish you all the happiness and blessings in the world. I am here for you if you need me!

Denisse

Almost everyone seems to have the "perfect" "normal" family compared to mine. I'm even jealous of the people I meet who can say their mom or dad is an alchoholic. There's a 12 step program for that! Where's the 12 steps for overcoming psychosis? Sorry for the sarcasm but I don't understand why my mom doesn't get help. She spends almost her entire life in a government subsidized apartment except for 3 trips to the grocery store each week. I can't quite grasp how a human being can avoid contact with all other human beings. When I asked her why she didn't have any friends, she said it was because she didn't want to be hurt anymore. She's been prescribed medication but I don't think anyone is monitoring her to make sure she takes it. So her symptoms go unchecked and there's nothing I can do. When I tell my closest friends my mother is crazy, their response is always...oh, yeah, so is mine, she used to....that's when I have to stop them and say, no really, she's diagnosed with psychotic depression, hasn't held a job since she was about 27 years old, and never leaves her house. That's when they kind of look at me, like, are you serious?
My mother did not attend my wedding. I luckily lived 1000 miles away so she would never make the trip. But even if I got married in my home town, I would not have wanted her there. I don't know if they are manic episodes but she can just start crying and through herself on the floor in a fit of rage/sorrow with no warning. No way would I have that at my wedding.
I've since divorced and my ex said to me before I moved out on him, that he thought I had the same problems as my mother. I know this was just a desperate dig at me because I no longer wanted to be with him. Still it was a low blow to my ego.
I hope your future husband learns to be understanding. EVERYONE must remember, the mentally ill do not choose their state of mind. They don't choose to be the way they are. They truly are out of control. We need to look at them the way we look at infants. If an infant cries, gets sick, or needs a diaper change, we don't look at the infant and expect them to act differently do we? So we can't look at the mentally ill and expect them to handle emotions and stress and everyday life the same way we do. They aren't equipped with the skills of normal people.
Hope that helps.

Hello,

I am 48 years old, so hopefully can share my experience abut my mentally ill mother and how I have dealt with her. She has always been a manic depressant, and attempted suicide when I was five. Since my father is an alcoholic and divorced my mother when I was ten, I just always parented her and viewed her as a victim, and became a parent for my brothers, sister and mom.

I was the oldest of four. I joined the Navy and had my mom and my sister (14 years young than me) live with me for my eight years of active duty Navy. At the age of 27 I was honorably discharged from the Navy and went on to settle in another state and have a baby. My sister has always felt abandoned by me and consequently was recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. All four of us were molested and my mom blamed me for being molested by my father.

At the age of 38, I fell in love with a "normal" man who has a great family - and believe me...no family is "perfect." My mom cried for herself when I fell in love, and became drunk and yelled at me on my wedding day. I did not let her ruin my day. My husband and I are going to celebrate 9 years of marriage in September. We have had our rough times and I have to be reminded that I don't always have to wait for the other shoe to drop or "take care" of everyone around me all the time.

My daughter is turning 20 and my son is turning 7 soon. The one beautiful thing about being brought up by psychotic parents is that you find out you can make choices they haven't, and your children can benefit from your healing.

I have seen a lot of therapists over the past fifteen years, mainly so that my children never suffered from anything I may unintentionally pass along. I highly recommend therapy, afterall there is ALANON for children of alcoholics and there needs to be support (similar to this web site) for us who are surviving our parents' psychotic episodes.

Most recently I have found a new way to deal with my mother. I have and always will love my mom. As with alcoholics or any illness...they weren't always drunk or depressed. They were at times, loving and caring, at least the best they could. So, I recently wrote 3 letters to my mom. The first was three pages typed and was extremely venemous. The second was still bringing up a lot of the hurt from when I was a child and ended up including what I wished for my mom and my relationship. The third is the one I mailed. It was one page and very direct. I explained that my heart aches every time I talk to her on the phone. I explained that depression and her addiction to vicadin for the past ten years has hurt me and is affecting how I react to my husband and children. I told her that I will always love her, but being a mom makes me responsible for my children's happiness and I can not be an effective mom if I go through mood swings after talking with her. I enclosed two articles about depression and vicodin. I told her how much I hoped she would get help for her illness so that we could share life moments in the future. She called before receiving that letter and I explained to her that I can no longer talk with her, but she was welcome to write me and her grandchildren. She cried and hung up on me. I was hurt and felt very guilty. Today I am relieved. I respectfully distanced myself from my mom so that I do not carry her illness on to my chidren.

If you think getting married is going to be hard...then, if you have children, you will question your relationship with your mother even more.

Please remember that your mom is ill and if she were well, she would not want you to be hurt. Being a mom means you should protect your children from harm - not cause them harm. Don't let your mother's illness ruin your life. Letter therapy is great, and boundaries are even better. You do not have to shut your mom out of your life, but instead let her know that if she gets treatment she is welcome into your life.

I wish you love and happiness in your new marriage and do the things your inner-parent tells you to do to protect and love yourself.

Since I am old enough to be your mom - please feel free to e-mail me and I will advise you as a healthy mom.

Love,
Mom