Hi Rainbow Girl and Jan - welcome. Oh boy, I can so relate to what you are going through! I too am an only child and also have chosen not to have children for fear of doing what my mother did to me. (I have a half sister but that doesn't really count as we are 18 years apart and were raised separately)

I wanted to share with everyone an experience I went through recently that I hope will help you, too.

I've been in some pretty intense therapy in the last 6 months and have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of what my mother did to me. I suffer anxiety attacks and flashbacks when I think about calling my mother or visiting her and it has affected my work and my marriage. I have been seriously contemplating completely cutting off contact with her to save my own mental health. This is a huge step - and very scary and guilt-ridden.

So my therapist suggested we just "contain" my mother first. What this means is that while you do some form of eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) (for me it was tapping alternate hands) you visualize a container and you put the troublesome person into that container. It is your choice what the container looks like, how the person goes into it and whether they can contact you again or not. Let me give my visualization as an example because this probably isn't making much sense at this point:

I imagined a big glass bottle with pink cushions that my mother floated into and found everything she could possibly need there (including a staff of people) so she wouldn't need me any more and I could leave her there knowing someone else would take care of her. I plugged the bottle with a cork and walked away.

The reason for the EMDR is that it somehow taps into both sides of the brain and allows for a deeper change, both in the intellectual part of the brain and the emotional.

Such a simple, kind of kooky sounding thing but the sense of relief from my burden was unbelievable. It has been three weeks now since I did this procedure and I have been calmer, more focused, more present in the moment than I have in a very long time. I don't feel guilty about not calling my mother anymore. I am going through what seems like grief, which my therapist said was normal. I guess I am crying for what will never be, crying for my ruined childhood, etc. But the grief is not overwhelming the way my emotions were previous to the "containment" and I don't feel hopeless and trapped anymore.

If you google "PTSD" + "EMDR" there's lots of information out there about the procedure. I hope my experience gives you another resource to look into to find peace in your lives.

Thank you for that, Anonymouse. It's funny, I've never heard anything about what you had described as a treatment(I haven't gone to a therapist for any of this yet, though I've started going to support groups).

But last night, after finding out among other things that my mom had given the one possession of value away(a fairly new car) in exchange for an airplane ticket to somewhere she could have driven to, I lay down in bed and had crushing chest pains. I tried to breathe, and I closed my eyes and imagined that Jesus was holding out his hands to her, and her placing her hands in his. She belongs to him now. I did the same for myself. I felt better,and I had a good day today.

I went to the property to leave a nice note for her and instead found a note saying that she was going to sue me, a note filled with a bunch of legalese and lies in response to the Pay or Vacate notice. The neighbors told me that she traded her car, that she's been shacking up with a schizophrenic neighbor, and that she's been walking around the complex with a large stick that she bangs on the ground while ranting to herself. They say she's aged 10 years in the last month but she insists she's fine. I left in tears and did not leave her my note. Then I get a voice mail from her saying that she'll send me to jail if I go back there or keep telling her neighbors she's crazy(as if they didn't know).

She said that she never wanted to see me again, that I've hurt her for the past 35 years(I'm 39???). She says she never wants to see my 7 year old son again...her words were, "And I never want to see *** again, and I'm fine with that. There are plenty of other little kids who aren't prejudiced against me". My son does not know what is even going on as I haven't told him any details, and I never discuss my childhood.

That final call made my blood boil, and brought my father to tears for all that I'm going through (they are divorced).

I despise my "mother" and I am fine with never seeing her again either. She had made this easier on me due to her hateful behavior; I no longer feel guilt. I will miss the times we played Scrabble and video games, and our long talks, and the times we went on walks, which was not very often. I will not miss holidays and practically everything else. I will be fine and I will do my recovery work, and I will not speak to her until she has a couple years of medication and therapy under her belt, and I do not hold out much hope that this will happen.

I will definitely do a google search on what you recommended. That sounds like it would work well for me. Take care and I wish you the best with everything.

RainbowGirl -

I am so sorry that all that happened and it has come to this for you. No one should have to deal with what we're all dealing with!!! I am glad that imagining Jesus taking your mom and you was comforting to you. I am glad you've found a support group. I've been in therapy off and on since I was 15 and although talk therapy has helped, hypnotherapy, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and this EMDR stuff has given me the most relief from what I call "The Pit of Despair". From what I understand, the types of horrors that we've all been through cause the brain to actually change, so to truly recover from our experiences, we have to tap into that part of the brain and help it to see things differently, to rewire itself to react to things more like a "normal" brain again. The NLP, EFT and EMDR all do this. I'm not saying this is for everyone, but I've found a great deal of benefit from it.

Hang in there. You are a good person dealing with a bad situation <- well, there's an understatement!