Hi, I just wanted to say hello to everyone! I have no real diagnosis for my mother other than my own. I have felt put down, manipulated, been abused physically and mentally,and made to feel like a child around my mother. I get extremely angry with her ways and most people do not understand me. I have been invalidated by her and other family members. I have tried communicating to her my feelings, but there is very little "normal" time with her, and then she goes back to being the controlling DEVIL she is. I wish I could get to the understanding level and be able to just be around her and laugh when she puts me down or insults my parenting skills in front of my daughter or beats me up (and I am almost 30!), or goes behind my back with my daughter to do the things that I made her promise me she wouldn't do, just because SHE SAYS IT'S OK!!!! Ugggh! The only way I have found, that gives me partial peace, is not having any communication with her, not by phone,letter or e-mail, and sure as Hell not in person. She always tries to make me guilty in everything she says and does and my own sister is just like her!!!!! I feel guilty that my mother cannot see my daughter (her lifeline), yet at the same time I am relieved. I wish that I could develop amnesia and remember everything in my life, but her. Does it ever get easier? I have come to an understanding within my self. I get anxiety like others who have posted here. I haven't in a while, since I cut off all communication, but for the last three nights I have had this reaccuring dream with my mother in it and she was still the same B*tch! As you can see, I am very angry with her and she always has a ways of saying or doing just the right thing to **** me off. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, no one is responsible for making me feel any way, but it's the best way I can describe it. My mom finally stopped trying to contact me. She used to call me several times a day and get mad at me if I didn't answer. I would tell her that I am busy. That was the truth, but there were many times that I just simply ignored her calls or turned the ringer off, so I wouldn't hear the ring. I get anxiety when she calls and when I think about listening to her voice mail. I am actually really sick of talking about her and my unsolved issues that just go round and round with no answers as to what is wrong with her, and how to cope and is it ok., that I just want to block every thought and every image of her out of my mind?

I am of a completely different situation than you, but I believe there is nothing wrong with how you're feeling. You need time and space to yourself. It's YOU first now, you're an adult and in charge of your own life. Sometimes, we might need to shut someone out that is detrimental to our health. If she is not a mother, and hasn't been, then you'll be losing nothing anyway. You don't owe her anything...that is that stupid guilt trip the children of the mentally ill carry (that I've carried)...that we are responsible and are some f*%$ed-up sacrifice for them. The truth is only they can be responsible for their life, and only us for ours.

Take care of yourself--always take care of you first.

I'm new here too, and I feel for your situation. I agree that now it's time to focus on your needs and your family. I'm going through a similar situation with my "mom"; I just posted so feel free to read all about her. I have so much hatred for her right now, and I hate to feel hate, you know what I mean?
My aunt came up to help me deal with this situation. She got me involved in Al-Anon, and with a support group for family members of the mentally ill. I am looking forward to self-discovery and to not having to worry about another human being to the extent that I sacrifice my sanity, my family and my finances.
When I was reading your post I could really identify. You are right in needing your space away from the insanity. "Codependent No More" is a great book that addresses the guilt we feel when we pull away from the person affected by drugs, alcohol, mental illness, etc, I recommend it and Al-Anon if your mother has ever had a problem with alcohol. Good luck, and follow your intuition.