Adult Children of Mentally ill Parents

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Adult Children of Mentally ill Parents
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Re: Coping with everyday life? Friends?

When I've been around my mother for more than an hour, I feel as though all of my energy has been completely sucked out of me. I get what I am starting to think are mild anxiety attacks when I know I will be in a situation where she and other family members are there. These are the times where she can say the rudest, ugliest things to me, then turn around and act like she's not said anything. If I get upset, everyone starts treating me like I'm crazy, because they didn't hear it, or maybe if they did, they see her manners after and forget it. Holidays of any kind are very hard for me. This year she was unable to hide her behavior from everyone (we had 16 people at a restaurant, and she spoke rather loudly), so at least the other members of my family were nice to me about it. I got a huge amount of emails from those present after the dinner, asking if my mom was ok. I wanted to say "25 years too late in asking!" but I was really nice about it. Weirdly, once I explained her behavior, i didn't get any replies to my emails. I wonder if they are trying to drop it or they don't believe me. So, I understand about the coping. It takes a lot of concentration and preparation to be near someone that you know will hurt you.

As for friends, I have had some of my friends for decades, and with them, I can see them bracing themselves before they ask, so I know the question's coming "How is your mom?" They are understanding enough to know that it's not my disease, and that I don't have many people to talk to about it, so I haven't had anyone ever stop talking to me because of her. My newer friends are equally understanding, but I get a little defensive about it when they talk about her. I think they want to make me feel better by recounting instances where they've seen her acting crazy, but that brings out a weird defensiveness in me. I don't know why I should worry about defending her. I guess it's because I don't say nasty things about their parents, so why should they do that to me?

One friend I have has a grandmother that is very much like my mother. She gives me the viewpoint of my daughter in 15 years. She is very defensive of her mother when her grandmother starts to rage at her, and has been forced to grow up way too early (she had to listen to her grandmother berate her mom for most of her life), and assume the role of protector for her mom. I don't want my kids to have to do that! I hadn't ever thought that generations from now, my mother's insanity would still be affecting my kids. We've had some very interesting discussions, and I think it's helped me separate from my own mother much easier.

There are friends out there who will understand. I have recently discovered a friend from high school who has lived with a bipolar (or borderline - she's been diagnosed with both) mom for years, and didn't have anyone to talk to about it, so we're helping each other out now. We just have to set a timer, so we stop at some point and talk about normal things! Sometimes, we will meet just to talk about our moms, and other times, we'll have a mom-free lunch. Being open about that kind of thing is probably the main reason it works. I don't know. I hope this helps you.

Re: Re: Coping with everyday life? Friends?

Hi Dani,

My mother exhausts me, too. I have panic attacks before going to see her and usually I get sick after visiting her - like my body can't take all the stress. Luckily she lives very far away, so visits are few and far between. We only talk on the phone every 4 to 6 weeks because the phone calls drag on for so long, I can't take much more than that. I used to try to call her every week or every two weeks to keep her feeling calm and to try to keep the phone calls shorter, since we were talking more often. Well, the phone calls still went on for 2 and 3 hours at a time, (I say "Mom, I gotta go now" repeatedly, but she keeps on talking) and it seemed like it took me all week to recover so I started making more time between calls. She fusses and worries about how long it has been each time, but I just can't handle more than that. I've even tried writing in between to keep her calm, but even if I write the most cheery letter, she still thinks I'm angry at her because it has been so long between phone calls and she cries and fusses about it when I do talk to her. It is crazy - I haven't lived with the woman in 28 years since she moved 3,000 miles away and yet she's still so dependent on me and I still feel smothered, like she's got tentacles that can come through the phone lines. (It's like she doesn't have to follow the rules of what a mother should be, but I still have to treat her as if we have a loving mother/child relationship and I am sick of it!!!)

I am glad that your family finally witnessed your mom being crazy, but I'm sorry that they weren't supportive for very long. Family can be so tricky. For example my half-sister, to whom my mother was much crueler to, has a weird co-dependent love/hate relationship with my mother and so I have to be careful of what I say to her about my mother, even though she was the one who had it worse than I did. She has always been welcome to talk to me about what's happening, call me when things are bad, but if I start critisizing my mother to her, she get very protective. It is beginning to affect my relationship with her.

I've given up on close friends for now. All the friends I've had who understood what I was going through have dumped me for one reason or another. It seems like they tend to dump me when I'm making positive strides in my life. One of my best friends dumped me when I fulfilled a dream and started teaching at a museum on the weekends. We had always spent many weeknights hanging out after work together and I asked her that week when she wanted to get together and she said she couldn't because she really needed to start spending more time with her family. Not 5 minutes later, another co-worker walked in the room and asked her if she wanted to get together after work and she eagerly accepted the offer RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Then we did make plans two other times and she stood me up both times, so I didn't return her phone calls after that. My best friend of 28 years dumped me last year after my first art show opening. She complained I didn't have time for her anymore, even though I had just finished supporting her through a big turmoil with her crazy dad. So now I just have casual friends for social stuff who know nothing about my private life and that's it. I'm sick of the getting close to someone, thinking you can trust them and rely on them and then having them burn you in the end. But secretly, I am incredibly lonely and hope to someday have a close friend again. Maybe I will be better at judging people's characters and making healthier friend choices by then.

Re: Coping with everyday life? Friends?

Hi! I am new here and I just wanted to tell you that we seem to have very similar circumstances. I have felt very alone for a long time on this issue. I also have a friend that I have helped through hundreds of bad relationships, but when I mention my issues with my mother she instantly invalidates me by telling me in other words that she thinks I need to just let it go. (She is a type of person who lets people walk all over her, and use her) I guess I shouldn't expect her to understand me. So, it is really hard when a lot of people do not understand what you are going through. I start wondering sometimes if perhaps I am the one who's nuts!(Sorry!) Any ways, I get anxiety just thinking about listening to a voice mail from my mother. I avoid my mother as much as possible, but I am always made to feel guilty. The worst part is that my family is in on it to! Invalidation is the worst thing anyone can do. In my family, it goes hand in hand with manipulation. I am glad to have met you, hope your days get better.