Adult Children of Mentally ill Parents

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Adult Children of Mentally ill Parents
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My mom has paranoid schizophrenia...

I am in my thirties and still have a deep feeling of loss and emptiness from my childhood with my paranoid schizophrenic mother. It is hard for others to relate unless they have been through it too, I guess. I recall so many memories of childhood having to do with her paranoid beliefs (that someone was bugging our house, that people were out to get her, that my dad was having affairs left and right, etc.)...she would put tape over electrical outlets, take out light bulbs and warn us not to use the lights for fear that pictures would be taken, took all the phones out of the house, busted up the TV, and turned religion into a nightmare by forcing it down throats of all family members...she wound up isolating us (kids) from others with her crazy antics (would post signs in the yard, would spray paint post office walls, etc.) People shunned us for fear of upsetting her and from a general ignorance of what was truly going on. Even family, at the time, didn't know how to handle her illness (she has several siblings). No one protected us. No one helped. We kids knew something was wrong but didn't know what to do about it. I felt so embarassed of her and by the time I was a pre-teen, spent a lot of time with friends in the neighborhood rather than at home. I guess I developed some resilience. My mom set our house on fire when I was twelve and I was sent to live with my dad (they were seperated by that time) and was raised by him until an adult. Those weren't the best years of my life. I mean, not having a mother around to guide me through a tough adolescence really made it hard to form a healthy identity. I, however, managed to find a sense of normalcy outside my family by putting my nose in the books and succeeding in school (have my master's degree now and a professional job). I still have contact w/my mom, but love her from a distance for the most part. Unfortunately, my older brothers are diagnosed with the same mental illness. It is really hard sometimes. I feel very much alone in dealing with a family full of mentally ill people. My father is not mentally ill, but has been very scarred by all of this. He is elderly now and lives a somewhat isolated life...never remarried or had another relationship after leaving my mother. I would love to communicate with others who have come from a similar background! Please email me!
Thanks for this site. It helps to know I am not alone.

Re: My mom has paranoid schizophrenia...

I grew up in a home with a mother who was severely depressed. In and out of hospitals, dark rooms, chain smoking. She was also somewhat manic at times and would buy me really expensive things to make up for the bad times. Things we could not afford as we were on welfare. It was sad and devestating when she would have a breakdown and we would go into foster care.

My dad left us when I was only three months old and my older brother (4 years older than me) always blamed me I think for my father leaving. My brother and I never bonded - ever. He was extremely abusive in the home to me (and twice my size) and my mother was far to ill to deal with it.

There were so many un-met needs in my development and as a young adult, I decided to save myslef from all of the despair and walk away. I somehow managed to graduate from college and complete several leadership development programs in fortune 500 companies.

I have always loved my mother but found that although I exude outer strengh, the truth is that I am really fragile - like glass about to shatter at any moment unless I stay focused on work.

I did not keep in contact with my mother or any other family members who were either no help while growing up or abusive.

As of this week, three days before thanksgiving, I got a message through a contact of a contact that my mother had died. This news has made me an emotional wreck. I was not prepared for all of the feelings I would have - all the memories of both the despair and her kindness flooding back.

I feel as though I should have done more for her these last few years but that if I got close, she would go away again or that if I tried to help financially, it would go instead to those who would only take advantage of her.

The pain seems unbearable but I know I must bear it.

Do you have any perspective you can share?

Thanks

Re: Re: My mom has paranoid schizophrenia...

I think both situations are very sad. I am glad i found this forum. It seems there is little to almost no help for Adult 'Survivors' of mentally ill parents.

My mother is mentally ill and she has spent her entire life controlling, manipulating, isolating, demanding, and then trying to turn the world on me. She stalked me for over 2 years after I divorced my first husband.
I finally after years of trying to get her to 'love' me, I sought counsel. It was the BEST move I could make. I was carrying so much hurt and pain and I did not know how to deal with her. I had locked up past hurts and memories that began to resurface. I got a backbone and after much prayer and strength from God as well, I mussterred up the courage to tell her to Leave my home and property until she got help. Sadly, she has NOT gotten help.

As far as your mom dying goes. You can NOT go back and undo whatever you have done. You can NOT change the past. If you did what you felt in your heart was the right thing to do, the best thing you can do is to help others who are dealing with parents of mental illness. Don't live in the past and live the rest of your life feeling overwhelmed guilt for what you did or did not do. Take the present as a gift from God and move forward. Remember the good things about your mother and focus on those. know you did all you could do and staying away from your mother may have actually preserved your life.
May God bless you.

Re: My mom has paranoid schizophrenia...

I know what you mean, exactly. Everything and all of it. I don't know why, but I missed this post somehow. (I haven't been on this forum that long.) I had two schizophrenic mothers, lol--my actual mother and stepmother. I remember them doing similiar things you're describing....one of them thought food was poisoned, and I had to eat beans every night for dinner for an entire month (I hated beens)---and she destroyed her car, looking for bugs that were from the "mafia listening in on her." Another wouldn't let me even leave the house, except for school...it was truly a mess. She didn't have any signs on her lawn, though, lol. And then, getting paranoid about 'you'...that's a mess, too....thinking you are 'playing games' with them and forcing you to admit things you didn't do....and apologize by extreme meausures, or being 'punished' and that is putting it lightly...it's psychological torment, among other things.

I do understand.

Re: My mom has paranoid schizophrenia...

I can relate to all of it, to everyone!!!!!!

My mom is paranoid schizophrenic and has gone through all the things everyone said.. the extreme crazy religion, the persecution, people poisoning her and her food, spying on her with or without technology, trying to kill her, crazy punishments, having to admit and apologize for things I didn't do and much, much, much worse...
I was also an outcast in school.. too sensitive, too emotional, no self-esteem, never fit in anywhere..
Eventually I got professional help and started my healing process. I am 31 now and I still have a long way to go...

We live in different countries. She came to my wedding 4 years ago and the day after I got married she snapped.. let me just tell you that it was the worst experience of my life, even worse than all the abuse I suffered while growing up. With professional help I also got the strength to tell her she wasn't welcomed in my home if she didn't seek help. She did not seek help yet and I have to accept that she probably never will. In a way I have lost hope for her and it saddens me, at the same time I have to be realistic and by accepting reality I won't be disappointed and I won't get hurt.

After I told her she couldn't stay, she disappeared for months, almost a year!!! She was so sick that she started moving every few months, then she decided to leave the country and has lived in at least 4 or 5 countries. She thinks people are trying to kill her everywhere she goes. She refuses to tell me where she is but at least now calls regularly, I have learned to ignore what she says and be thankful that I know she is OK, although is a daily struggle.

I live in Northern CA and she called me yesterday to tell me she will be arriving in LA on Thursday, that she will stay for 2 weeks, basically hinting if could stay with me. I talked to my husband, brother and sister-in-law and we decided to let her stay 1 week in my house and 1 week in his. I want to believe and hope everything will be OK but I have to be realistic and know that it won't be.
At least I am happy to be able to hug her and tell her I love her in person. I am also scared to death because every time she is with us is mental torture, she can be very hurtful and cruel and it regresses me to a place of anger and insecurity.

I'll hope for the best.. Please pray for me or send me good thoughts or something :-)