hi...i know this is late in responding, and i haven't posted to this forum before, but i have read the threads and wanted to add, i hope it is helpful to you if you are checking back in and re-reading as i am just reading through now.

i would add to pray, and build your faith, whatever that belief system is. try to go internally for your own inner-strength than externally all the time. it is important to build a safe, secure, warm and nurturing support system for you externally, but i would encourage you to do both.

i would also encourage you to journal out your feelings on paper, write out all of the pain, the hurt, the saddness, the loss, the fear, the anger -- get it out and let it go. scream into a pillow, sing loudly in a car, cry in the shower, but always be gentle with yourself. work on loving yourself and being good to yourself. it's hard, and i've been there, and i do understand. i'm 39 now and just really beginning to sort through the pain of growing up with a mentally ill mother and an angry and controlling father, during a time when many of the medications and treatments she was on were probably very experimental...and we certainly never talked about it -- and we still don't as a family. i think we're all too scared and it's all too real and raw and close. sort of like, be quiet and it will go away.

i am realizing for myself i probably repressed a lot of the feelings even until now, so i've put myself into therapy and have made a commitment to myself for wellness in my life. that is something i can control, because that kind of experience does rock our boat, it does negatively effect our sense of trust, etc.

i know how scary it is seeing your mother psychotic, or so 'zombie like' on medications, or not even knowing who you are because her memory has been wiped out by electric shock therapy.

i understand the shame and feelings of 'who would like me' with such a you know what family situation. and the bad feelings you may have about yourself for feeling the way you do about your own mother. everyone's story is different, and i am fortunate that my mom and i do love each other very much and get along and she is on her meds and my dad and her are no longer together in that very toxic relationship.

i would say that people will like, and love, you for who you are. if the shoe were on the other foot, would you not like someone who shared their story with you, or would you feel empathy or compassion, and maybe even be amazed at how strong they are, and what they have overcome?

take good care of yourself, don't be afraid to feel your feelings, just remember that feelings are ok and all good, how we act on them is not always all ok and all good and that is something you can control. i hope this helps. take care. God bless. j