Adult Children of Mentally ill Parents

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Adult Children of Mentally ill Parents
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Re: my mother is schizophrenic paranoic - new at this site

I can relate. I am 53 now and have had to tolerate and suffer with my paranoid schizophrenic mother all my life. We're at the point where she has to live with me now and my life is officially over except for taking care of her in her waning years. I can relate to everyone here with respect to all of the problems resulting from being an offspring of a mentally ill parent - I can empathize and give plenty of similar examples, so I know your pain and feel the same. However, you females are more articulate than I and are more articulate in return to give support to each other. Good for you, not so much for me. I've gone through much of the same pain you have, but when I say so, I don't seem to get the same reciprocation... not even a thank you for the support I offer. So remember that the concept of empathy and support is not or should not be gender specific - it's not about who sounds most pathetic, or about backing up your sisters because you think guys don't feel pain or they aren't supposed to or if they do there must be something wrong or inappropriate with them. So you're just making it worse by making guys like me feel this way. We don't feel like opening up and joining in because this is what happens when we do... at best nothing happens. I have enough problems with women because of my mother without having to feel even more isolated or ignored by women who are virtually in the same boat with regard to dealing with mentally ill parents. Take and use that for what it's worth, because you can cry yourselves a river without me and probably most men in your lives, unless they are your poor daddy who came to your rescue - which seems to be the only kind of way you're generally willing to accept a man.

Re: my mother is schizophrenic paranoic - new at this site

My rant was supposed to be in direct response to Jenn, so I copied and pasted it there.

Re: my mother is schizophrenic paranoic - new at this site

I hope I find some words of support.

D

Re: my mother is schizophrenic paranoic - new at this site

Like I said, I can empathize. I have a paranoid schizophrenic mother, they act like and wreak havoc like you described. It's tragic, especially as your mother used to be so vital... but at least she had that. Unless you're very rich, the legal and health care system doesn't kick in to your favor until she gets even worse, if you can fathom that. She needs to be hospitalized, diagnosed and treated. You must obtain power of attorney, conservatorship and representative payee for her income (i.e. the rent and/or Social Security Disability if she's assessed as unable to manage her life, especially stay on medication). These things take time to unfold and process, but once it's done you'll both be in a better position to live your lives. I went through all of this without any help from my family, and I managed to have a personal life. I don't now because she's living with me but you can an assign all that authority to care for her to an entity such as a nursing home, or an assisted living facility that specializes in patients like this. She might find it very satisfying, like a country club lifestyle, and become easier to deal with, but there will always be someone watching over her and intervene to the extent that she needs from then on. It could take years to get there, but that's what you need to aim for. Start talking to doctors and lawyers who specialize in this. It's not going to happen by itself. I tried running away from my mother and avoiding her, but it only delayed the inevitable. Do it now.

Re: my mother is schizophrenic paranoic - new at this site

hi denisse
im not sure when you wrote this so i hope you get my response. my mother is also a paranoid schizophrenic and i can relate to most things you wrote about. my mother assaulted someone whilst deluded when i was quite young and most of her involvement with mental health services since then has definitely not been voluntary. i can totally understand the obligation you feel towards your mum and also the dread of perhaps having to care for her. i often feel 'robbed' too. it is very difficult for other people to understand this, including partners and other family whom often become confused, angry and cynical. if she is not in contact with a doctor, it may be possible for you to inform the mental health authority in her area but this can be quite an ordeal and would most likely result in either 1. being told she is not a danger to herself or others and therefore needs no help (what?! i know...) or involuntary hospitalisation. it is very important that you continue to reserve part of you JUST for you. she may be your mother but you are entitled to the life you have created. it is a fine line when you have a mentally ill parent between showing concern and letting yourself become emotionally drained. i often say to people in regards to my mum 'if i don't help no one will' which i honestly believe is the truth but i have had to learn to shut off to her needs as well. my mother is well under the eye of mental health so my situation is different, but if anything i would like you to know that you are not alone and that above all YOU should be the most important person in your life. there is only so much you can do for your mum and the rest is (unfortunately) up to her.

Re: Re: my mother is schizophrenic paranoic - new at this site

just thought id add i come from australia so our health system is different, but i hope regardless you got the gist of what i was trying to say.

Re: Re: Re: my mother is schizophrenic paranoic - new at this site

Hi Wendy,

Thank you so much for your words.. It helps a lot knowing that there are people who understand me.
You are right, I need some ME time and I am definitely making a point to get it. Thanks and good luck to you with your mom. If you ever need to vent feel free to write

Denisse

Re: my mother is schizophrenic paranoic - new at this site

I'm sincere as I say it's nice that you girls are supportive and responsive to each other, and I wish you all well. However, I don't know if it's because I'm a guy and/or I'm not saying the right emotional buzz words, but with each passing day I'm feeling unfairly ignored here; I deserve better than that and I'm saying so. Just a quick, "thank you for your input A.J. and hope you fare well"... SOMETHING. It hurts girls, that's all I'm saying, except that I am doing better on my own, as usual. The mission statement of this "support" site should be changed to "validation and encouragement towards one another as long as you're a woman - men aren't allowed.".

Re: Re: my mother is schizophrenic paranoic - new at this site

hey aj
i dont think it has anything to do with gender or is personal at all (not that i have been visiting this site for long though). i have read your posts, i didnt reply because i felt i had no constructive things to say or i could not relate. the number of times i myself have reached out on the internet and received no response is immense (im not saying that this is okay though). i will continue however to read your posts with interest and you do inherently have my support. we are all here for the same core reasons.
wendy

Re: Re: Re: my mother is schizophrenic paranoic - new at this site

Thank you Wendy, I appreciate that.

Re: Re: Re: Re: my mother is schizophrenic paranoic - new at this site

I have never looked for emotional support as a child of a mentally ill parent until now. It has always felt like such a special circumstance and only from time to time did I think to hear from / reach out to others who have gone through the same thing. After reading only a few posts on this site I notice the issues (which we are willing to discuss) are very much the same: sadness, guilt, denial. I feel all of those and don't know how to deal with them. My mother has been a paranoid schizophrenic since a year or two after my birth, so I have known her only in various extremes of schizophrenia. She's currently living on her own, receiving medication and state aid. However, I don't know how to reconcile my feelings of hatred/anger towards a person who can say such horrible things to her children though I know she is mentally ill. How do you look past this? I think this is a huge struggle for me because I feel like I have never loved her, only feeling that biological bond of mother/child.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: my mother is schizophrenic paranoic - new at this site

Dear Michelle,
I know it's hard to deal with all the emotions of having a mentally ill parent. It's just not fair that we had to go through all that suffering when we were just innocent children.
When I was really angry I came to the realization that I did not ask to be born, especially I did not ask to be brought to this world to be physically abused and mentally tortured by my mother. I was supposed to be nurtured and loved unconditionally. It gave me a lot of power to tell her all that when she would try to make me feel guilty.
I've gone through all the emotions but now I just feel sad for her, she lives in her own hell and I don't have to a part of it. I choose every day not to be a part of it.
I work on my emotions everyday. I don't want all the anger and resentment to affect my life, I want to be happy and be liberated of all this. Sometimes I can do it and sometimes I can't. One thing is for sure, I want to enjoy my life, I don’t always succeed, but I am trying my best :-)
Hang in there, I am here for you

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: my mother is schizophrenic paranoic - new at this site

I can relate to what you say here Michelle. I've been through the same and (as I've said) am still having to deal up close and personal with it. It's good to see I'm not alone in that. Of all the close friends I've made in my life, only one has a mentally ill mother... but even he hesitates to admit she's full blown schizophrenic (though I'm familiar with the symptoms). At age 53 I'm still struggling to understand my mother and my feelings about her. I resent not having a healthy mother, though she's not abusive it still cuts deep to hear her imply I (or someone) is trying to kill her, etc. My brother, who's older than I, has dealt with it by not... by looking the other way and never helping the family at all. So, we all have our own private hell to live in. I feel anger toward my mother too, but am there for her in a caregiver way. She doesn't understand anything (never really has) and is getting worse due to dementia now, so all I can do is keep her comfortable and wait for the inevitable. She brought me into the world and I love her for that, but I'll have to let it go at that and seek love from other people. It's frustrating when most people don't understand how my paranoid schizophrenic mother has affected me deeply - and I can't expect them to especially as I don't fully understand - but it's easy to see what I've been missing is reassurance that I'm okay and deserve loving like anyone else... not pity or special care or to be avoided like I'm contagious. I'm not schizophrenic, just a little stressed and lonely. Everyone has some degree of that so you'd think that wouldn't be so foreign to deal with... even for people (i.e. on this site) who supposedly should understand. Very frustrating, but at least I'll say I understand how you feel and I care... even if I don't get the same said to me.

A bit of advice that's always worked for me and I've taken to doing again - exercise every day, your mind and body. Good luck.

Re: my mother is also mentally ill - new at this site

I relate. My mother is bipolar, has a personality disorder, OCD, mutilates her face every day etc. She was never maturnal for ex: anytime she has ever hugged or kissed me, it's like you would a stranger. Childhood was walking on egg shells not to **** her off. Violent mood swings. She currently lives in MY house in the states rent free while I live in HI. People ask me, What brought you out here? To get away from my family. She also refuses help and has brought this scum bag leech into my house. I made sign a rental agreement which made her Flip Out. Completely irrational and psychotic. She only calls when she wants something and is making me codependent. I won't do it anymore. I, myself, am bipolar and doing everything in my power to get my life to a place where I can find happiness. I can't let her hold me hostage. After I meet w/ my psychologist tomorrow and discuss it w/ her I am calling her and "Fang." (the 1 toothed scumbag) I'm waiting till after I speak w/ my Dr b/c right now I want to evict him and tell her if she wants to follow him, go ahead. And if she stays there I don't want any contact w/ her unless it's related to the house or is life or death. I can't build a calus around the part of my heart that is for her. It infuriates me and I hate that she can still hurt me. She has other family members in the area but they lock their doors after the last time she went over there. I just NEED to do whats best for me. I know she won't understand and doesn't really care whats best for me. But someone has to and that person is me. Countless times in my life I've wished that she would carry out 1 of her suicide threats just to alleviate that weight on my heart that's holding me back in everything I do. Her brother killed himself and everyone else in the family is treated for somekind of mental illness. I know I could never end up like her but ending up even a little like her scares me to death. What a sad and lonely exsistence. I have a chance. Her dad changed his will so it shows me and her sister b/c she would blow through the $ and then what. Not living w/ me. I'd put her in an assisted living place or a mental hospital. It's not our fault our mother's are so messed up and we shouldn't have to pay for it for the rest of their lives.

Re: Re: my mother is also mentally ill - new at this site

My mother also has bipolar disorder. However because her mood swings are accompanied by paranoid delusions and hallucinations, I think she may be schizophrenic but has never been diagnosed as such. She had been diagnosed since she was 16 years old. So all of my life also. I'm 21. Its hard to live at home because you never really know when she'll have a breakdown. She's coming off of one right now. Although its taking longer than usual for her to be function again and truth be told, I don't know if she wants to get better and it infuriates me. My case isn't as extreme as some of the others I've read on this site. I mean she has taken out some of her anger on me as a child, and sometimes made me feel like nothing I ever did was perfect enough, but she was never physically abusive. I've only experienced a few breakdowns but that is what makes it so confusing. She was fine from when I was 3 until I was 16. And then her breakdowns became more frequent, such as once a year or every two years depending. The worst one was when I was 16. I'm also annoyed because my dad doesn't really help the situation by being angry and impatient. Its really taxing on all of us. Especially because my grandparents both have dementia and live in the same house. What makes matters worse is her psychiatrist doesn't try to talk to her about unresolved issues. I really feel that is what is causing these breakdowns. Yet she likes him and doesn't want to see someone else. She doesn't really want help either. I feel resentful myself. I know I'm supposed to be loving and supportive right now but I really can't. What do you do?

Re: Re: Re: my mother is also mentally ill - new at this site

Dear Kristine,

I really feel bad for you because I can definitely relate. I know what you are going through.

I am going to be really honest with you and tell you what I think works out of my own experinece.

If you want to live a healthy and happy life you need to get out of your parents house and go to therapy.

When I was 18 I moved out of my mom's to my dad's house and it saved my life for a while.
Even though I changed environments, which helped a lot, I had a lot of unresolved issues. Like you I was always made to feel inadequate, nothing I did was ever good enough. Those feelings of inadequacy stayed with me and I didn't realized it until I had a brake down at 23 and started working with a therapist.

A therapist is not only going to help you deal with your feeling but is also going to teach you how to deal with your parents and the disease.

I hope this helps. I wish you all the strength and wisdom in the world...

Denisse

Re: Re: Re: Re: my mother is also mentally ill - new at this site

Hello all,

I am new to the site too and have been reading the thread. It is so nice to hear of stories like mine.(not nice, but you know waht I mean) I have felt so isolated my whole life, when I tell people of my childhood I just get blank stares, I think out of shock. I was no Sybil, but it was no walk in the park either. I want those here to know that if you are looking at this you are strong enough to accept the reality of your situation, seek help, and are willing to take strides to make a change. That alone makes you a survivor and separates you as an individual with much strength and character.

I have made the choice recently (within a 2 year period) to no longer have contact with either of my mentally ill parents, as my father enables her very schizophrenic behavior. I have chosen to move 2 states away to get away from her, in addition to the other problems she has caused me. I have to say that is has been soo hard but soo rewarding too. I just want everyone out there to know that if I can do it, you can do it, and although sometimes it may feel wrong to leave a mentally ill family member, you sometimes must save yourself!!

Megan

Re: Re: my mother is also mentally ill - new at this site

I have a similar situation with my mother, but fortunately her parents took her in after she had to be hospitalized, so she isn't my responsibility yet. The depression must be awful for her, but it's so much easier to deal with than her manias. I feel a little selfish saying so, but only a little, and I'm guessing a lot of people with bipolar parents understand. I just wanted to tell you, Lisa, that you're very brave and obviously very strong. Since I doubt your mother tells you and you really ought to know -- you're doing a good job. Working hard to keep yourself healthy for your sake and the sake of those around you is all that anyone can ask, and you're doing a lot more than that. Don't be afraid. You already know you won't turn out like her. The most valuable lesson my mother taught me was how and why not to become like her, and that was honestly a really valuable lesson and the one thing I have going for me that no one else in my family had. No one can expect you to take care of your mother forever. You're not her mother, and she's not a child. Anyone who understood what you've gone through for her would be proud of you and impressed.