i wish i could say something positive, but i'm at about the same place as you, and i don't see a lot to be positive about. even if i could get my dad some help (getting past the resistance of my mom, his minimizing, the entropy, the self medication, the stigma)--i wonder if that would be more cruel than letting the present course play out. how much anguish would it cause if my dad *did* manage to get help--and see what a waste his life has been because he lived in torment unnecessarily, how imaginary the impediments were, how happy he might have been if he had just gotten help. i think feeling better would make him even more bitter for what he has lost or never had.

my mom is still there micromanaging, obfuscating and caretaking. her health is poor and she's emotionally brittle after so many years of anger and conflict. i have no idea what she will do when he dies. i wish i could just detach and live my life, but i seem hopelessly stuck--trying to do all in my power to help, but knowing it isn't up to me.

i have long felt that my life will only really begin when they both have died. i feel cheated that i have never had the support of a normal family. it will always be painful, and i don't know if i will ever be rid of this issue. for many years i have outpaced it, lived my own life, but now with his decline, i am sucked back in because my mother is not capable of dealing with the medical aspects of his health. she's in denial about the seriousness of his physical condition and totally rejects the obvious mental issues. she thinks he chooses to be the way he is. she refuses to deal with the mental illness issue head on because she fears my father's wrath for "exposing" him, and she fears his medical doctors "won't doctor him anymore" if they knew the truth about him. when i suggest speaking to the doctors about his emergent need for psychiatric help, she gets very upset, not knowing what the outcome would be--and complaining she will have to live with the consequences if i "out" him. she thinks honesty and a request for help will make things worse. she has to live with him, and so i give advice but do not intervene. and i wait for the day that i get the call that he's killed himself. i expect that he will o.d. and my mom will probably try to cover it up. he's already intentionally over medicated--my mother refuses to believe that it was a "suicidal gesture". she minimizes what he does more and more each passing day, while bitterly complaining about his fresh attacks and emotional cruelty. he is in excruciating emotional pain, lashes out indiscriminately and will be that way til the day he dies. i feel guilt beyond reason. survivor's guilt and he's not even dead yet.

anyway. i don't have much encouragement, but you are not alone. i wish you all the best and hope we both have the compassion we need to survive and thrive.

this too shall pass.