First I'm going to repeat what they said, in that I encourage you to maintain a healthy amount of distance and boundaries. It's especially necessary when she is being abusive. It doesn't mean she can't ever be a part of your life anymore, but the point is YOU choose how big a part you want her to play, and under what terms.

Secondly, remember that no matter what happened when you are young, the rest of your life is yours to do with as you choose. Of course that doesn't mean the past doesn't hurt anymore, or that what she does now doesn't still affect you, but from here on out you choose how you want to live your life. You choose what kind of environment you go home to everyday. Everytime my Mom (who is also bipolar, by the way) goes off the deep end and I find myself getting upset, I can at least get some comfort out of the simple reminder that I no longer live with her. I picture in my mind what kind of hell she's probably raising at her house, and I think to myself how freaking relieved I am that I'm not there. It's simple, and of course like I said it doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt at all, but it sure helps some.

Lastly, my final advice is to talk about it. A lot. I mean, I understand that for some people dwelling on something painful is just too hard. But I also know that when I was your age my feelings about my Mom and my childhood were just absolutely raw, and I'd held it in so hard that it was killing me. And on one hand I hesitated to start talking about it to people because the feelings were so intense and I felt like if I started talking about it I'd just never stop, so it was a hard place to go, but still, talking about it helped. Just getting it all out is good, because keeping those memories and feelings to yourself can be straight up toxic.

One more thing though. Throughout all this make sure to surround yourself with a good support system. Sometimes the friends you make can turn into a better family than the people you're actually related to. Don't forget that.

hi...i know this is late in responding, and i haven't posted to this forum before, but i have read the threads and wanted to add, i hope it is helpful to you if you are checking back in and re-reading as i am just reading through now.

i would add to pray, and build your faith, whatever that belief system is. try to go internally for your own inner-strength than externally all the time. it is important to build a safe, secure, warm and nurturing support system for you externally, but i would encourage you to do both.

i would also encourage you to journal out your feelings on paper, write out all of the pain, the hurt, the saddness, the loss, the fear, the anger -- get it out and let it go. scream into a pillow, sing loudly in a car, cry in the shower, but always be gentle with yourself. work on loving yourself and being good to yourself. it's hard, and i've been there, and i do understand. i'm 39 now and just really beginning to sort through the pain of growing up with a mentally ill mother and an angry and controlling father, during a time when many of the medications and treatments she was on were probably very experimental...and we certainly never talked about it -- and we still don't as a family. i think we're all too scared and it's all too real and raw and close. sort of like, be quiet and it will go away.

i am realizing for myself i probably repressed a lot of the feelings even until now, so i've put myself into therapy and have made a commitment to myself for wellness in my life. that is something i can control, because that kind of experience does rock our boat, it does negatively effect our sense of trust, etc.

i know how scary it is seeing your mother psychotic, or so 'zombie like' on medications, or not even knowing who you are because her memory has been wiped out by electric shock therapy.

i understand the shame and feelings of 'who would like me' with such a you know what family situation. and the bad feelings you may have about yourself for feeling the way you do about your own mother. everyone's story is different, and i am fortunate that my mom and i do love each other very much and get along and she is on her meds and my dad and her are no longer together in that very toxic relationship.

i would say that people will like, and love, you for who you are. if the shoe were on the other foot, would you not like someone who shared their story with you, or would you feel empathy or compassion, and maybe even be amazed at how strong they are, and what they have overcome?

take good care of yourself, don't be afraid to feel your feelings, just remember that feelings are ok and all good, how we act on them is not always all ok and all good and that is something you can control. i hope this helps. take care. God bless. j