Adult Children of Mentally ill Parents

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Adult Children of Mentally ill Parents
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Need others opinions... new here

Hello everyone
I am new to this forum and understand that it is for people with parents whom are mentally ill. I am in a diffcult situation because my mother has been diagnosed with schizophrenia, hypertension, obsessive compulsive disorder, and paranoia. Althought I know that she is mentally ill, she does not seek treatment and has stopped taking all medications for years and is getting worse. The number one problem in this situation is the fact that my father is a psychiatrist and tells her things to say to get out things when doctors want her to begin treatment.
It is very difficult with her because while I know and understand that she is mentally ill, it is impossible to live with her and my father allows her to continue this way.
I won't give too much background as I would be sitting here all day trying to explain everything, but what is eating me the most is the fact that I am 19 years old and her behavior has impacted me greatly and is hindering my life.
I graduated with honors from high school last year and I am not allowed to go to college. My mother believes I should stay at home and learn how to cook and clean and be a good wife. I want to become a nurse but my parents refuse to pay for college and they also do not allow me to use a telephone unless they are listening to my conversations. I am only allowed to leave the house under very specific circumstances, and my brother (who is 23 years old) has to be with me to supervise every time. Becoming like my brother is my biggest fear in life. At 23 years old he is also not allowed to go to college and stays at home only leaving to go to work and sometimes with friends. He has a curfew of 11:00 and finally got his own cell phone to communicate with friends.
Because of my parents behavior I only stay at home and leave to go to work. I have no friends anymore because they never liked any of them and I'm not allowed to see them. I was allowed to get my learner's permit when I was 16 but have not been allowed to get a driver's liscense, so I have had a permit for three years. The only socialization I get is when I am at work and the times when my brother allows me to "sneak off" and see friends once in a while. I have had friends who have required a lot of supervision from their parents as well, but it is because they had done something very wrong, such as done drugs and their parents found out. I myself have never done anything bad or illegal, but my brother did in a rebellious time of his life when he was tired of living with my parents as well. They claim they treat me this way to "prevent" me from becoming like my brother. My mother constantly screams at me to never have sex until I'm married because she says that no one will want to marry me if I do. Whenever I mention how other people go out to parties, on the beach or drive, etc. she always says that all of these girls are sluts and their parents don't care about them, that I will thank her someday for protecting me.
As a result of this I have gone into a spiraling depression, wanting to escape but not entirely sure how, and also wanting everything with my family to be worked out.
Another issue is that when I am home she always wants me to do housework because she says it teaches me to be a good wife and keeps me from being bored. Whenever she sees me watching TV or relaxing she screams at me to do something. Sometimes if I'm just in my room quietly (like now) she will periodically call my name "just to make sure I'm still in there" We bought this house because the bedrooms are upstairs and that way I can't sneak out like my brother used to without falling to my death because we are very high up.
What put a big strain on my family was when I finally called Child Protective Services when I was sixteen and snuck out of the house to report physical abuse as my mother and father used to hit me. They were able to get out of it because my father knew exactly what to say and do because he works with people like us everyday, even though the police had pictures of my injuries. When I want us to be a functional family they always blame me for us not being one, saying that it was my fault they hit me, etc.
I dont make enough money to move out and I know I could never make it on my own. Our family has been through 11 different therapists and the reason being is because whenever a therapist tells my parents that they are hindering my brother and I, my father will say that he is a psychiatrist himself and that he knows best and therefore they are giving bad advice. Whenever I discuss my family with a few people I am close with they will laugh it off and say I must be exageratting until they actually meet my parents or get a screaming voicemail on their phone about how they should stay away from me from my parents.
Sorry for this post being so long but if anyone has any advice whatsoever it would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you

Re: Need others opinions... new here

Hi,
I feel your pain. I understand the control issues involved, although in my case, I too graduated with honors but was expected to go to college to be a pharmacist. Not that I regret the course of my life, but the point being I should have had the freedom to decide. I was not only graduated w/honors but salutatorian so I wanted to go to medical school, however my mom denied I should do that-too long and strenuous, and too much money. So, I had to work 80-hr work weeks during the summers to save enough money to attend school during the year. I had a nervous breakdown the end of the 3rd summer that I did that so I did not push myself to that limit and "only" worked 60-70 hrs at 2 jobs the next year, LOL! I also took out student loans and worked most semesters, too-although seldom over 20hrs/wk. I also had some control over my ability to drive as my mom made me feel bad that it took me 4 times to pass my driver's test to get my license. So I had my license, but I didn't actually start driving until I graduated college at 22, almost 23 years old. My then boyfriend, now my husband, coached me into being able to drive as I didn't have anyone else, I was an only child.

Why are you letting your parents dictate your life? You are 19 years old. I know it may be scary to break out on your own but you deserve to have your dreams fulfilled. By the way, my mom is paranoid schizophrenic and has refused to take her meds, which she's been on and off for years. I have let go-it's easier for me because I resent and hater her so much. Other family members were pressuring me for a while to get her help but finally realized they have no power over her, neither do I.

Obviously, you are in an enabling situation with your dad. That is disgusting that he furthers the behavior instead of splitting up and doing the right thing for you and your brother.

I also got destructive comments from my mom like "if you don't lose weight you'll never get a boyfriend" - at that point I became anorexic and threw food out my back porch and restricted myself to only 400calories / day in high school. Your comment about not having sex before marriage struck a chord with me on that tangent. Constantly tearing down my self-esteem.

I will send you a private email, I would like to hear more from you.
Heidi

Re: Need others opinions... new here

Dear Angie,

Wow. You sure do have a tough situation going on right now. To tell you the truth i have a lot of sympathy for you cuz i went through a similar situation. My mother was a lot like yours and really made my teenage life difficult. The only thing i could do was wait until she hit rock bottom and was forced to go to the hospital and get help. She did this but is still struggling to stay on her medication. Luckily i was able to move out and get away from the situation. My advice to you is to rely on other family members if you have them and are in touch with them. Maybe a grandparent or aunts or uncles that understand what is going on. Also talk to your brother if possible and see if he is willing to do something about the situation. You are both old enough to be on your own now. Also try your best to make some new friends and make a life for yourself. Once your able to separate yourself from this you can be happy. And trust me things will get better! Just don't give up. Also try looking up grants and scholarships on the Internet. Even if you just go to community college it can provide and great escape!

Re: Need others opinions... new here

Hi, I only just happened to come across this site tonight and saw your message on it, and wanted to reply. All I can say is this: do your best to do whatever it is you can do to move out, so long as you can do it in a way that feels safe and secure for you emotionally. I stayed living with my Mom (who is bipolar) until I was 22, and finally getting out was the best thing I could've done for myself (which is not to say I don't love her, it's just the truth). Being able to go home everyday to a place that is just yours--where it is peaceful and stable--is unbelievable if you've never been used to that. It's like finally being able to breathe for the first time.

I do know though that it's not always easy to simply leave a hard situation even if you know you should. I was really only able to make that transition by having the help of a friend as a room-mate. That's what I'd recommend for someone like you. Doing it on your own is hard, so see if you can find a friend you trust to take that leap with. When I was getting ready to move out, we even discussed moving into a studio apartment together, because as she put it "I don't care what we have to do, I'm getting you out of there." So seriously, you don't have to make a lot of money, just decide that somehow you're going to make it work no matter what. You deserve to be happy. If you want to go to college, don't let them stop you. That's what loans are for, right? I'm sure there's other complications you might be facing, like you may not even have a friend you trust to move in with for instance, but even so, at least start thinking about it and planning. Simply having that as a goal can be very helpful emotionally, and it's a place to start.

Anyway, hope that helps. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.

Re: Re: Need others opinions... new here

wow...

I know we're only hearing your side of this bizarre story, but you sound sane and convincing. There's a lot of weird stuff going on with your family, and while some of it can be attributed to the stigma of having mental illness in the family... I'm very bothered by your father's actions - or lack of action, especially as he is a psychiatrist. It could be your mother's onset is fairly recent and he had no idea it was coming when he married her - and now you're all stuck with the situation and he's doing his best to minimize or deny or cover it up. It really sounds like he's thinking of himself at everyone's expense. Weird and very unfortunate for a doctor and his family - and even if other doctors know about it, they'd be hesitant to take him on unless someone was in grave peril. It's hard enough to get someone to seek help when they need it - but add to that a husband who's a shrink who says "I got it under control", and your mother will really have to go off the deep end to get past your father and get her some help. It's not going well and it will probably get worse. My advice would be to distance myself and seek professional counseling. If you can't work or continue your schooling for whatever reason, you could qualify as mentally disabled yourself and get low cost county mental health therapy. Your life and future has been cut off by both parents, giving you more than enough reason to get out. As things get worse they'll be compelled to keep you under their control to help them maintain the status quo. While he can't legally treat her, he has the power to manipulate things so that she doesn't get proper treatment. You need proof of that. Write down everything you can think of then see a therapist for a year or so, get out if you have to, let them build a history on you and where you've come from, what's been going on - that you're okay except for this and with the help of the county or state, you might be able to build a case to investigate and intervene on your mother's behalf. You probably don't and won't have schizophrenia, but it onsets in the mid twenties, so you're going to want to do your best thinking and actions now just in case you start to go south. This all sounds very, very unhealthy, unethical and almost criminal. My god!

Re: Need others opinions... new here

you have to get out, and get as far away as possible.
you cannot fix them, but they can most certainly destroy you.

they are both ill, and they have made you ill. the extent of your illness and how it will effect your life depends upon a lot of factors (like luck and genetics), but the most important factor is you and your free will.

you are the "perfect" child of narcissists, excelling in many ways, but still, never good enough. none of your choices in friends is any good. if left to your own devices, you would be a slut. your feelings are irrelevant; you are not deserving of respect. you are not equal to your parents--you live in their world, not in the real one. your parents geared their whole lives to giving you everything. you owe them. they are your best friends. you have no privacy. your parents now control every aspect of your life in their power and they always will. they do this because they "love" you. they hit you when you frustrate them. they treat you like a 13 year old and they ALWAYS will.

i have had a very similar experience-- i'm now in my 40s, my parents in their 70s, and i'm here to tell you that things won't change if left up to your parents.
EVER.

your father is humiliated by his mentally ill wife, and so, will NEVER adequately address her situation unless the authorities force him to do so (i.e., your mom attempts suicide and is involuntarily committed or gets arrested). the family dynamic is a toxic mix of anger, guilt, love, shame, low self esteem, fear of change and fear of loss of control and siblings pitted against one another. this dysfunctional psychiatric situation is the family secret shame (of course, it shouldn't be considered shameful).

my own brother is now in his early 50s. he stayed near my parents, enticed by what they gave, and thinking, i suppose, that the tradeoff was worth it. (he could "yes" them and live his own life despite their efforts to control his life.) he coped by eating (so does my mother). he got huge and now has congestive heart failure, is diabetic and oxygen-dependent, can't walk, lives in a house my parents own, drives a car that they own, and is married to a woman banned from my parents' house. my mother is trying to get him to move back in (without his wife). i don't expect him to live for many more years. i know what you mean when you say your biggest fear is becoming your brother.

i moved away. graduated law school. full scholarship, first in my class. got a federal clerkship, got hired by a top firm. the way they treat me has never changed.

be glad you have the insight to see that your situation is fubar--you could be living in their world, where the irrational is rational. pity them. they really are trying their best to cope with this challenging life, but have failed miserably. it isn't their fault. i really realized that when i had a child. i know they too must have fully intended to do their best when they had me. it's just that for some people, especially in combination with others, their best is woefully inadequate. when your parents get older, if they are like mine, their carefully constructed world will start to crumble. my parents have given me a very debilitating legacy, but i am thankful that, at least i am not them. turns out, they have no power over their world at all, and that's what the whole sad mess was about to begin with. cancer has terrified them. mortality was not part of the plan. they both feel robbed by the other of the life they should have had. they have turned against each other (especially my bipolar father). they refuse to get help. they blame others. they minimize or deny the dysfunction and enable it to continue. repeat. repeat.

far away as i am physically and as far as i've come socially and psychologically, i still feel the power of their desire to suck me in, to undo my life, to dismantle my support system, to get me back under control. i cannot imagine who i would be if i had stayed. i think i would have killed myself long ago. i simply could not live in their world.

so my advice is simple. it takes a little planning and a little time. squirrel away enough money for a prepaid cell phone and a one-way ticket to a college town with a good nursing program. hit the admissions office and start a dialog and then go to the student center and find some off campus roommates. stay at a youth hostel or a womens shelter until you find a place. get a job waiting tables or bartending (or anything). once you decide what school you want to attend, you can do a lot of legwork in advance (find the womens shelter, check out the local job postings, and campus website for housing leads). and then just go. don't try to figure out everything in advance, just go as soon as you have enough cash. "surface" only when you feel safe.

you are a very smart young woman, you have insight and you have made the affirmative step of reaching out. i know you can do it because i did it myself. if i can, yo

Re: Re: Need others opinions... new here

A perfect reply from "a sister". I couldn't imagine a better one. Angie, I urge you to hear her, take her advice and follow through on it.

Re: Need others opinions... new here

My mother was very controlling and abusive when I was growing up. She is also mentally ill. It is hard when they have all that power over you. I know what it is to feel trapped, not good enough, depressed...
The first step is to move out of that environment. You can do it!
I wish you all the best!