I was feeling depressed and thought I would try to find some information to help me cope. My mother is 79 and suffers from a psycotic disorder "unspecific" (the doctors diagnosis). This was found after I had her commited a few months ago. Previously she was living in another state with a sibling, but with me during a visit when I decided to once and for all try to get her some help. After a trying three months, I found an assisted living facility in her home state that would reluctantly take her. My state doesn't have any assisted living that is subsidized by the state, and her home state does. I realized that is not the best place for her, and that she is better suited to a place that can address the mental illness. There are nursing homes for the mentally ill, but she would not consent to go. Part of the problem is that in my desparation to find some place, any place, I didn't realize that they don't control her SS check, like a nursing home would. So she has control of her monthly check. She deliberately withdrew all of the money out of her account, causing the rent check to bounce, and I had to pay her rent. This can't go on as I am financially tapped out. This would be the third time she's done this in the last six months. SS told me I can't become her "representative payee" without a form from her family doctor. The same doctor who refuses to return my phone calls and doesn't see the need for someone to manage her finances. This after my sending him the diagnosis report from the mental hospital saying that she is "pschotic" and tested poorly on the independent living assessment for money management and decision making. The woman at the SS office would not even look at the report from the mental hospital. To make all of this worse, my mother is manipulating me to give her money, because she knows I don't want to see her on the street. This last time she agreed to allow me to manage the checking account. But after I paid her rent, she wouldn't agree to change the account over so I could manage it. If she bounces another check, she'll be put out of the home and my sibling has said she can't come back, and I believe her. She's been putting up with this behavior far longer then I have, and no longer has any contact with our mother. I am at a crossroads. Do I let them put her out, and let her end up in a homeless shelter, or worse?

My heart goes out to you, amazing how they can manipulate us for personal gain (sort of like a drug addict). My advice to you is see a lawyer and become power of attorney. If you can manage her money, you'll have better luck at managing her. I am in the same boat and my mom realized that she could not handle her own financial affairs. Let the ACLF know that you are working on becoming her POA and they may be patient. I know you have her best interest at heart. It's hard. Hang in there.

My heart goes out to you as well. I am dealing with almost the exact same situation as you. I know it hurts to think about your mother out on the streets, but I have learned that unless you back them into a wall they will continue to take advantage of you. Neither my brother or myself will allow my mom to come live with us. She finally got herself evicted from her apartment and thought that one of us would take her in, but we didnt. She lived in a shelter from nearly a month (we visited her every week) and now we are paying her rent in a transitional housing unit while she tries to find work. Many people thought we were cruel to let our mom live in a shelter, but most people do not understand what its likes dealing w/ a mentally ill parent. If I would have let my mom come live with me she NEVER would have left.
You have to put your foot down and live your own life first. It doesn't mean that you don't love your parent. It just means that we cannot succumb to their disease. Part of the disease is knowing how to manipulate. Allowing them to manipulate is like giving sugar to a diabetic. It just fuels and furthers the progression of whatever illness your mom may have.
I took me a LONG time to learn to be firm with my mom (she is a paranpoid schizophrenic). I call her twice a week (she does not have my phone number) and I try to visit once every couple of months. I do what I CAN do for her, but I continue to live my life...I will have children someday with my husband and my family will take priority over her needs. I'll never write my mother off because I love her, and I'll continue to support her as much as I can. Remember, they may be sick but they are still humans. They're decisions are there own decisions...where can we ever draw the line between what are "their" thoughts and what are the "diseases" thoughts....we can't. It's impossible. I always treat everything my mom says and does like a normal human being, even though she is so far from being normal...

One other thing, living in a homeless shelter is not life threatning. Was it fun for my mom to live there, heeeckk no. She loathed every minute. I worried a lot myself (for her). But ya know what, my mom now knows that I am serious...that I can say "if you do not seek treatment, I will cut you off finacially and you will live on the streets". You have to find a way to get the control back...sometime it means doing something for our parents that seems downright cruel...

I am glad I found this. I am having a diffculty with my mother also. Everything is about HER only. SHe loves money to blow on nothing. She manulipates the whole family, I haven't had alot of association with her in years , due to just things she has done in the past. I under her sickness and diease but I have been so hurt. I am married and have children and I dont want them to see the things I have over my years. I suffer from depression now myself. My grandmother has always taken care of her and my aunt. They always wanted me to go on and have a life for myself. Now my grandmother is very sick and can't care for herself and my aunt had a heartattack and not in good health. I live 15 miles away. She lives in an assisted living for the mentally ill. It is now going to be up to me to help with her and she is a handful. We have had problems for 2 months. SHe came off some meds and like the same week she went off the wall with hallucinations, she called 911 and told them my grandmother had no food and was very sick , they sent 3 police officers and a paramedic, my grandmother had no idea what was going on and they wouldnt' leave till they done a complete welfare check. My grandmother has been so embarrased and upset over this latest stunt. Then she called 911 for herself and my aunt went to the hospital and she was out of it. The phycatrist she had wouldnt' even listen when we told him she needed to be hospitalized. Then today she had another episode and she thought that her neighbor was kidnapped and that they were coming after her to stap her , she said they had beat her and gave her a shot of herion. We couldnt' calm her down, we finally got a nurse in , and they admitted her to phyic ward. I had to leave work to go and see what I could do. She gets violent and I dont' think I could bring her in my home, but I am in a rock and a hard place, does anyone have any suggestions or been thru any of this , I am sorry I dont' think i mentioned she has schizo and bi polar. Thanks for the vent

I have a story too, but for now I'll just introduce myself, my situation and say that I'm glad I found this site.

I'm a 53 yr old guy who has one sibling (older brother, never much help); father died 24 years ago. Coincidentally, around the age of 24 is when my mother's onset of schizophrenia took place - when I was born. It wasn't until my teens did it or my realization of her condition go full blown. My father managed to get her some help, but back then the treatments were crude. Whatever she was prescribed she never stayed on anyway, and after he passed away, as long as she could manage to feed herself, no number or severity of psychotic episodes or irresponsible behavior provided me with enough clout to finally become her conservator. Power of attorney came first, which she reluctantly but willingly gave me via a living trust, it was later when she became so physically weak and sick from lack of good nutrition and from smoking that she was finally assessed as schizophrenic, gravely ill and unable to care for herself in any way. That is when I was granted conservatorship, but it was still a hassle. I tried to maintain her living situation (alone in a gated community) with the help of a visiting caregiver, but it wasn't good enough. I finally had to sell her home and bring her into mine and have cared for her for 5 years now. I've managed to keep her fed, medicated, stopped her smoking, and save what was left of her horribly squandered finances. I was stuck at home with my own problems anyway, so it was a practical move. Had I a full life, wife, family, it would have been much more difficult, but I can't understand doing nothing. I did have a going business, a house, lived 20 miles from her and managed to visit her often. My brother has a family but he's stuck at home too, with an extra room as well. I mean, I lost my business and am declared mentally disabled and I've managed. I'm her representative payee too, so once all those ducks are in a row, it's a lot easier. She lives in my home now but I could move her out any time, and it's been encouraged, but until I find myself putting a gun to my head, I'll keep going on. It's not getting easier, but what was hard at first got easier. My life came to an end, but I was over anyway. The thing is, when she's gone, I'll have to live with these decisions. My brother always hid behind his having a family when it came to helping dad before he died, then with the business after he died, and then mom when she needed help, and I think he knows he's been lacking. Heck, he won't even watch our own mother for one day... I understand him less than I do our paranoid schizophrenic mother who is severely demented now. At best she has the mental capacity and selfishness of a 2 year old, and with the best meds she still has psychotic episodes - it's very difficult, but I'm doing the right thing, I think. I'm not spiritual nor do I believe in Karma, so I don't expect anything at all in return for what I've done, except that if by sharing with others in similar conditions, we can help each other.

I just wanted to add, after reading this thread again, that I am somehow relieved to see that all the irrational, illogical and destructive behaviors my schizophrenic mother portrayed over the decades is not an anomaly - that it's normal for her because it's common due to the illness. We, as the sons and daughters are all affected by mentally ill parents in the same ways, and have all had to struggle through their madness, in quiet dismay for the most part. We obviously feel so alone and helpless, yet here I see we're not - even if there aren't ready answers. For what it's worth I thank you fellow "children of the mentally ill" for speaking up and reaching out as I have.