Adult Children of Mentally ill Parents

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Adult Children of Mentally ill Parents
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my mom

wow! all of these stories remind me of my mom. she hasn't been diagnosed. she's never sought help. she never will. in her mind everyone else is sick. she's a small, cute, italian lady and she uses that cute helpless woeisme thing to manipulate people. she swore my dad was mentally ill and an alcoholic and convinced me that he beat her when they were married. i believed it until i was a teenager. of course if you ask her now my dad was the greatest love of her life and they were just too young to be married and if hadn't been tricked by my stepmom into marrying her(10yrs after the divorce)they'd be together. my stepmom was diagnosed with liver cancer and my mom was gleeful thinking they'd get back together. when i was a kid she paraded me into countless therapists because of my behavioral problems. there was always a little bit of truth to her rants. yes, i forged her name on a test for school. but it was an 88 or a 92 or a 100 with some bad handwriting circled and i couldn't be sure she wouldn't keep me up all night screaming at me slapping me and making me do the test over, and over, and over. but no bruises means no abuse so when i try to explain to adults that i lied so i wouldn't get in trouble my mom starts pouring on the water works of how hard it is to be a single mom to a disturbed child. and i wanted to be crazy. there were people willing to fix me so if they could find the problem they could solve it. the problem couldn't be my mom because she was right about me misbehaving and all the other grownups agreed with her. i didn't know what was wrong but i heard that crazy people don't know they're crazy so to me that just proved that i was the crazy one (make sense?). i tried to kill myself at 11 and 13 and was hospitalized both times. then i was called bad and manipulative because in the hospital i was happy and sweet and pleasant to be around. therefore i must have been faking it just to make my mom look bad. now, as an adult i can see that it was because i wasn't on high anxiety alert because my mom wasn't there in the hospital with me. my mom thew me out when i was 13 because i hit her. i punched her 3 times. i was so nervous waiting outside with my trashbags full of stuff for my dad to come get me. i was so scared of what he was going to do to me. he was the drunk and the batterer who wouldn't love me the way my mom did. well my dad picked me up and hugged me and said it was time to start over. i think he realized that i didn't hit my mom, i hit my mom BACK. and it takes a LOT for a child to hit a parent. it wasn't until this year that i realized she was bipolar. i just thought she was odd, immature, etc because i have a very good life now. i figured it was just mother daughter stuff. but listening to her rant about my stepdad made the lightbulb go off. she accuses him of cheating and beating her just like my dad. she even called the cops and the cops told her the only one who was going to jail was her because my stepdad had all the scratches and marks on him. she goes on ridiculous shopping sprees and then rages when my stepdad gets the brakes done on his car because of money. she always took me on shopping sprees and then took it out on me when the bills came in. she'd spend hundred's of dollars on food that went bad because it was just the two of us and then i'd have nothing to eat for weeks accept old cereal and rice and whatever i stole from pathmark. she goes on and on about how awful my stepdad is. he's the nicest man in the world. he's my children's favorite grandparent. her rants will be about how she wanted to go to some function with her friend and he couldn't get off work so she went without him and then he showed up. this set her off for DAYS. why did he show up? who does think he is? and she calls him names and accuses him of being abusive. she'll yell at him because she does all the housework and then yell at him when he does the dishes calling him a manipulative sob. she threatened to divorce him because he took her out on a day trip and while they were walking he let go of her hand so they could go around something. she tells him he's sick and that he needs help and then when he agrees to go to couseling with her she says everyone's out to get her. for some godforsaken reason i don't hang up on her. i can't. i listen to her scream and yell and it's like i'm a child again. she screams about how my stepdad won't answer her and just stares at her when she asks him what's wrong and what his problem is and tries to talk about 'all that's going on' and all i'm thinking is I KNOW THAT STARE! I KNOW WHY HE"S NOT TALKING! NOTHING HE CAN SAY IS RIGHT! I KNOW!

Re: my mom

I understand you. My mom also thinks everyone is out to get her and she also refuses help.
I remember when I was a kid she would accuse me of things I didn't do and wouldn't leave me alone until I "confessed" and apologized. If I didn't admit to it I would be grounded. And many other things...
It's tough because you love her and feel so much anger at the same time.
Someone told me when you grow up without a parent or with an abusive/unavailable parent you have to become a parent to yourself. Does it make sense to you? Be a parent to yourself by nurturing, pampering, loving, taking care of yourself. Giving yourself whay your mother couldn't.
Good Luck!

Denisse

Re: my mom

I can relate. I am 53 now and have had to tolerate and suffer with my paranoid schizophrenic mother all my life. We're at the point where she has to live with me now and my life is officially over except for taking care of her in her waning years. I can relate to everyone here with respect to all of the problems resulting from being an offspring of a mentally ill parent - I can empathize and give plenty of similar examples, so I know your pain and feel the same. However, you females are more articulate than I and are more articulate in return to give support to each other. Good for you, not so much for me. I've gone through much of the same pain you have, but when I say so, I don't seem to get the same reciprocation... not even a thank you for the support I offer. So remember that the concept of empathy and support is not or should not be gender specific - it's not about who sounds most pathetic, or about backing up your sisters because you think guys don't feel pain or they aren't supposed to or if they do there must be something wrong or inappropriate with them. So you're just making it worse by making guys like me feel this way. We don't feel like opening up and joining in because this is what happens when we do... at best nothing happens. I have enough problems with women because of my mother without having to feel even more isolated or ignored by women who are virtually in the same boat with regard to dealing with mentally ill parents. Take and use that for what it's worth, because you can cry yourselves a river without me and probably most men in your lives, unless they are your poor daddy who came to your rescue - which seems to be the only kind of way you're generally willing to accept a man.

Jenn, my rant here is from a build up of frustration because of many others and my own life, not you personally. I simply reached my breaking point. All of what you said is typical suffering and circumstances, for me too, but for which I have received little support if any, so feel free to ignore it - that would be typical too. No one cares to hear my support anyway, let alone my grief, so it doesn't matter either way. I am perhaps jealous that you will get the support you need, and I won't no matter what I say, so what's in it for me?