Wow! I am grateful to have found this site! I have read more relevant posts the last 2 days than I have been able to find in my life time.Thank You!!
I am 37, I am first and foremost a mom :) Unfortunately, my own mother is more one of my kids than a mom to me,,, has been like this since I was 12. Me taking care of mom and my brother and wondering why my family would not step in and save us!! My mother was diagnosed when I was still in diapers as Bi-Polar Schizophrenic,,at 2 1/2 I was found by my father in the playpen w/a broken foot and bruises,my bro. in a crib w/bruises.. he took me and my bro.and left. When I was 9 he sent us back to her,she had a new husband , business etc... a few months after being reunited w/her , a case worker came to our home - our babysitter had reported bruises,, my brother and I were covered, and my mother was told the meeting would take place and she threatened us with " if you open your mouths you'll think what you got was a picnic",, anyway u get the picture,,, at 10 she was divorced and we all moved in w/my grandmother, and uncle who witnessed our physical and verbal abuse and did nothing. Teachers, Counselors etc..would make reports, but my grandmother worked for the health system here and my mother was a psych. counselor . Mom would make up lies and excuses and my grandmother would do whatever my mother wanted, never mind what the kids were going through. Relapses, remarriage, abuse, Relapses, lost job , abuse etc...while drinking and doing drugs while self medicating w/her Klonopin (sp check :))) I got married and was told "good luck running your own ****ed life",, she couldnt pay her bills, we supported her for 2 years,, when I divorced after 13 yrs of marriage I could no longer support her and my 3 children,,she had to sell her house,, and she paid me for 2 yrs of mtg payments,,,then turned to our family and told them i tried to sell her house from under her etc... My entire life , I have been the one to make decisions, the one they all cry too when mom acts out, the one who calls it like i see it and then gets the cold shoulder for doing so. Every relapse, I'm called to step in,,,my grandmother is my mothers enabler!! My uncle has been made power of attorney - yet he is never called to help w/anything, and goes along w/whatever my grandmother wants which is whatever my mother the master manipulator wants... I wont allow her to move in w/me so I am the bad guy,,, my brother has alienated himself and his family from us because of my mother and grandmother, so that they wont pressure him to do anything or be involved, just like my uncle. My mother worked for the system she knows how to manipulate it and everyone concerned. I do not like my mother, I feel responsible to help take care of her because I am the oldest,,, but sometimes,, I just wish she would go away,,,so that I may have some peace. How terrible is that for a daughter to feel towards her mother? She is now in the hospital again,,,hallucinations- seeing and hearing,, has threatened to run away if we send her back to the assisted living facility,, her doctor took her off the klonopin,,she wants it,,even her therapist said she believes my mother is acting out and its a battle of wills because of the medication being taken away,,the doctor says shes addicted to it and something else needs to be found,,my uncle has not been seen or heard from,,,my brother wants to be done w/it once and for all have her committed to a state hospital,,my grandmother wont agree, my uncle will do whatever gr,ma wants and they want to try and force me to allow her to live w/us...I have been remarried for 6yrs and the man was a god send,,his ex-wife was bi-polar, so he has been a wealth of knowledge and understanding and compassion and love, and I could not have gotten this far w/out him and our children,,I dont know what to do now,, she is abusive verbally and physically, she is manipulative and she lies at the drop of a hat. She is mean, she is sneaky ,,I mean the list goes on,, I will stop now,,, this is like a war and peace novel, :) I have rambled but ,,I have never been able to discuss this w/anyone who would understand besides my husband,,,again I am sooo very gratefull to have found this site!!!

I know how you feel. My mother is very manipulative as well, and knows how to work people. I'm the only one that will stand up to her, and for the longest time, whenever she would get in one of her "moods", I would be the one the family would call to get her out b/c I was the only one that could. The way I did it was through fighting with her. It was emotionally draining, but it worked. However, that's not working now, and it looks like she might be suicidal (but I can't really tell if she is, or if it's just a ploy to manipulate us). This is mentally (and becoming physically) exhausting for myself and the rest of the family, so believe me when I say I completely understand the feeling of wishing "she would go away". Right now the family is talking about having her committed (well I started that conversation and have been doing all the work). At times, I think we should, but at other times I think we shouldn't. Part of me wonders when I don't think we should if its b/c if she did commit suicide that it would be over we would finally have some peace.

I know I'm rambling, and I don't want to turn this into something about me. I just want you to know there are people out there going through similar issues, so you're not alone. Hang in there.

The subject line in your post is "What now?" The answer is "Move on." Do not allow any one to lay an unearned burden of guilt on you. You owe nothing. PERIOD!!!
You have a family - your children and a loving husband who is empathetic because he has experienced your world - he with a former wife and you with your mother. The specifics of your experiences may differ, but the view is the same and the baggage matches. While it is accepted that it is easier to walk away from an ex-spouse than a parent, it is equally necessary to walk away if you want to give your family a better life than the one you were given. If all of these other people in the family think that they have the answers, let them implement them on their time, their dime and - most importantly - their premises. If it means that you have to walk away from all of them, then so be it. Look ahead, not back. The penultimate payoff will be a rich and rewarding life with the family that you and your husband have built, the people to whom you owe a bright future with a happy, well-adjusted wife and mother who can devote herself to her present and future, not her past and a recurring nightmare. Believe me, this is a cancer that will consume you if you don't learn how to pronounce the two most difficult words in any language: "No" and "Goodbye".
I wish you strength, clarity and decisiveness. You will be in my prayers.