After two days of agonizing anxiety I still can’t find any way out. My boyfriend has called some private nursing homes, but they are all full and the one which as an opening is far too expensive, more than my mother earns from her retirement money… I don’t earn any money myself, I am doing my internship to finish my degree, but my boyfriend has been helping me with my expenses. If I could find a nursing home free I would put her to live there, even if it would cost all her money and leave me with nothing. But they are all full!
I don’t want to move to a house that is not mine and be forced to do everything for my mother. While she is enjoying herself during the day in the daycare center, I have to work in my internship to try to finish college and then take care of all the house chores and cook for her. She acts like I have to be her made, and is all angry if I don’t cook because I have to feed her, even if I don’t eat myself, she is only concerned with herself.
My work is not going well and I have to finish in December, I don’t know if I will be able to if I have to live with her everyday… And if I leave her my family will be mad at me, and never leave me alone to be happy. I can’t find any solution… Tomorrow I have to go to work and I can’t think straight because of all the stress. I don’t know what to do!!!!!

I sort of know what you are going through and i often feel the same way... just keep hanging in there coz it has to get better no?

I went to talk to the social worker at my mother’s nursing home. She said it would take YEARS before my mother has a bed free so she can live there…
Living with her for many years is not an option. I panic just to have her home on the weekends, and then can’t take care of anyone, including myself…
I read the comments about “Alone and hurting” ‘s message… I am supposed to be eternally grateful because my mother gave birth to me?! I wish she had done an abortion! My life is like an eternal nightmare where happiness is just ahead, but I can never reach it… I have always felt this way. When I was a kid I would cry every night… All the other children were laughing and enjoying themselves, I always felt they were part of another world, a world I could never get into. All my life I have used this coping mechanism: life is bad now, but if I work hard enough I will have happiness in the future, I will have peace, and be free and successful. 22years I have been waiting, and waiting, and making sacrifices for my future happiness that never comes…I can’t wait any longer…
What if your mother had give you up for adoption and them 22years latter came back and told you: “ I am sick and can’t take care of myself anymore, now you have to take care of me because I am your mother!” Would you have to take care of her?
Living with my mother was worse than living on my own, I had to take care of myself AND take all her emotional and physical abuse (thank God she is a small weak woman; she could not hurt me much with all her hitting).
Private nursing homes cost double what she earns from her retirement… Should I use almost my whole future salary to keep her in a private nursing home? I don’t want to do that…
What about her sisters, don’t they have the obligation of taking care of their sister? At least she has done something for them, playing with them when they were little…
I pity my mother and the state that she is in, I am very empathetic person… But if I try to be nice to her and give her some attention and affection, she gets more nervous and unbearable, asking for attention every minute of my time! She never asks how my life is going, all she ever talks about is herself, and what happens in her life! My work is going all wrong, and she doesn’t care at all… What are you suppose to do with a person like that?! Give, give and give without getting anything in return? For what? The awful life she has given me? I just wish she hadn’t gotten pregnant. Why did she choose to raise a child? Why?
Now I just take care of her basic needs, no emotional support, no affection, the way she did to me when I was a child. If she wants my friendship, she has to earn it, like the rest of the people in the world…
I don’t love her, she is like my next door neighbor, I only feel sorry for her, like I would for any other human being. But I hurt for all the pain she has put me through over the years. I love my cat though, he gives me affection and is always by my side, keeping me company and making me laugh with his cute ways… And my dog was the one who would comfort me from my mother’s behavior… When your pets give you more emotional support than your mother, you know something is wrong!!!
I feel my life has come to a dead end and I will never be able to be happy because I have this eternal rude spoiled and unthankful child to take care of: my mother! And when she is finally away in a nursing home, all my youth years will be gone, and I will have lost them forever and the chance to have some fun in life before having all the responsibilities of being a mother myself …
I wish I had somebody to take care of me, I wish I had been a child sometime in my life…
All my family let me live alone with my mother when I was a child, and now they want me to take all the responsibility for her.
I see no hope in my life. Nobody can ever be happy living with my mother, she destroys every glimpse of happiness and peace. Sometimes I go to the back yard to relax a little with my boyfriend, but soon she is calling for the neighbor saying she doesn’t know where I am (which she does) and them I ask her what does she want, and she says nothing…I can’t have any personal space!!!
I don’t think this kind of life is worth living. I wish I would die.

I think she should be committed. Yu can't care for her. You don't have the money or time. Better that you commit her and have a chance of getting your life back and have a chance of her being cared for. Once you're free of her on a daily basis you can graduate, make money and make other arrangements. I understand why you feel guilty. You've been her rock for years but you have no obligation to give up your life.

Hello Sarah. While I definitely empathize with your situation---My mother was SEVERELY ill when I was growing up and I also lived with her-- My own take on the situation seems to be a little bit different. I realize how frustrating it is to live with schizophrenia. (as a sidenote,my little sister is schizophrenic now also). There is something so incredibly frustrating about that feeling of never truly getting through to someone, of never being able to say the right thing to bring that person back into reality. Equally frustrating, are the feelings of isolation, being different from your friends, feeling cheated out of your childhood, and most of all the sense of responsability you must bear and which weighs so heavily upon you. it is difficult, if not impossible for other people to understand. However, in my experience, as horrible, and devastating, and life shattering as these things can be, it is up to you to transform the meaning of this experience in your life, for the sake of your self and your mother. I know it is hard, trust me, I know. But you are going to HAVE to change the way you see things. In every difficulty in life that you face, you have a choice as to how you are going to let that hardship affect you. Either you can let it drag you down and dissolve into a destructive force in your life, or you can see those things as an opportunity for emotional and spiritual growth. That empathy you were talking about is hard earned. It comes from witnessing and experiencing profound sorrow and pain, and the value of this in the world is immeasurable. All of those amazing lessons your mom being ill has taught you give you an ability to cope far beyond the average person...I truly hope you are able to see this someday.

Dear Sara,

You need to talk with your County social worker. The nursing home can tell you anything. Your mother needs guardianship. You do not have to be her guardian. The court can appoint one. Talk with your state Ombudsman for Long Term Care for help. If she or he can't help you, they can point you in the right direction for mental health advocacy organizations. Your mother needs residential care and you need to find the people who can be resources for you so you don't give up. Never give up hope, but seek the assistance you need. Be determined that you will live! (I grew up in a similar situation. I know what it is to be on your own.)

Hi Sara - My mother is 61 and paranoid schizophrenic as well so I can relate and understand your situation. While my circumstances are and have been different from yours in that my mother has never lived with me and I am older so I have been coping with this situation for a much longer period of time, I too know your struggle of trying to the right thing by your mom, while at the same time provide yourself some space to heal and to explore and live your own life. It is beyond stressful, heartbreaking and full of confusion and chaos. I would really love at times for someone to give me the answers - to decide for me, yet even after 15 years of estrangement from my mom, the struggle is not over and I doubt never will, as long as either of us is still alive. Possibly you could seek out some support for yourself with a group or a counselor? This has really helped me maintain my sanity plus do the healing work required. You might also have to let go of being there for your Mom so much, and establish some boundaries as hard as that might be. My mother and I are back reconnected now but there are still many head and heart aches to deal with, plus no clear cut path for us to follow. I am no longer angry at her nor blame her as I can see how she is consumed by her disease, and the hardest part is not being able to make it better for her, of which I know I will never be able to do. When I look over my life my mom's illness has had the most impact on my development in both good and bad ways, as it continues to do so. It is the heart break of my life and I must continue to see the gifts in terms of learning and growth, even if it wouldn't be what I choose for myself. Hang in there and know you are not alone. - Holly

hey, hang in there. you don't haved to live under all this stress. and it's not right for you to be taking care of your mother by yourself. seek out some help. i know you'll find it. you need to live your own life. you'll be okay.
love angela

to be blunt: get rid of her.

i know you love her, i know your sense of obligation, compassion etc.--it's what you cultivated all your life do that you would be different from her. but your good character is robbing you of your life. she wins this way, b/c for all your insight and personal development, you are still stuck her captive audience. enough.

believe me, no matter where she ends up, she will demand attention form whomever is there, she will adjust and survive. narcissists usually do! i'm 100% with the poster who suggested talking to a county social worker. if nothing else, find the best psych hospital and have her committed. you are not joan of arc. she needs constant psychiatric supervision not 100% of your life--if she needed a ventilator, you wouldn't insist on giving her constant mouth-to-mouth! enough already. you cannot allow her to make your life one of resentment, anger, and self denial (until she finally dies). when she dies, she'll still run your life b/c you'll give so much internal airtime to hating and resenting her. get her out. commit her if you must. stay strong.