Adult Children of Mentally ill Parents

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Adult Children of Mentally ill Parents
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Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone

I hope the original writer of this post comes back. You're going through some very difficult stuff, and I for one, can totally understand.

No one else can fairly judge your situation. Nor should they. We are all unique and complex, with all sorts of factors affecting our perception, mental state, logic at any one given time, level of stress, desires, motivations, moods, etc. What you "should" or "should not" do is hardly something anyone else can really know.

You said it so well when you wrote that you needed to vent. IMHO, strangers on a message board have little else they can do except listen and be kind, at least until we get to know you and your situation better. Even then, try walking in somebody else's moccasins for one full mile - IF, that is, one can even figure out how to get them on in the first place.

I'm so sorry you were unfairly judged. I've experienced a lot of judgment and have allowed it to bring me down. I've had an extremely difficult life, not to say that others haven't. 5 years ago I received, through a most mysterious way, this picture with the American Indian who spoke the message I mentioned above written on the picture. It has hung at my front door ever since...

...Oh Great Spirit, grant that I may not criticize my neighbor until I have walked a mile in his mocassins.

I haven't figured out how to get those mocassins off anybody else's feet yet! Honestly, I've wished I could give mine to somebody else, many times it has seemed that others sure must have it better than me. But then when I really take a good look around, I think I'd still rather have my mucky old ripped up mocassins with the big holes in the toes. Familiar territory, that when I do manage to get things right, I've learned to have a lot of respect for. And that feels real good.

I hope you come back. My mother is horrible and my brother refuses to help at all. You are not alone.

Re: Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone

All I said to the person that posted the first message was that she didn't need to give up on her parents becuase of their mental illness. I had all but did that and my mother passed away at the end of Feb. this year and now I regret not being more supportive. She passed away in a fire and I didn't get to say goodbye...I'd give anything to be able to tell her I love her one last time. Through her mental illness I am not sure if she knew how much she ment to me...I wasn't attacking, just trying to state that you shouldn't give up on your mentally ill parent...they need you...would you abandon yours if they had cancer or some other disease. Mental illness IS a disease....no one asked for it so...it IS difficult to be there for them but you need to...that's all I said to Heather and she stomped off like a 4 year old having a tantrum instead of talking about it. --Shannon

Re: Re: Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone

Shannon,

I'm so sorry about your mom. I can imagine how much pain you feel and how much you miss her. Things sure didn't go the way you would have ever expected, and you obviously love her very much. It's been a very short time since your loss, you're grieving, and at the same time it sounds like you are doing what people often do - feeling bad somehow about whatever stuff you think you "should have" done or wished you had done differently. Maybe you had to "give up" (as you said) on her because if you didn't you would have lost too much of a part of yourself. That's not really giving up on her, it's taking care of you - not giving up on YOU. I'm sure you did the very best you knew how to do with your mom. It's not easy and nobody gives us a book with instructions.

Mental illness is a disease, but that doesn't mean we all know how to deal with it all the time. If it makes another person sick, too, then what has that accomplished, except to double the number of people that are sick. It's sure not easy to figure out what's the best thing to do sometimes. It's true that mentally ill people need help, but sometimes family aren't the ones that can help. They don't know how, they are too close and involved and it can be very damaging to others. If you had known how to "fix" your mom, wouldn't you have done it? If my mom's engine blew up and she expected me to fix it, I would have to tell her, sorry, I don't know how, take it to a mechanic. I know that's not a great analogy, sorry. We don't know how to fix a lot of things. Even the professionals don't seem to fair so well with fixing mental illness, and we as family don't usually have nearly the knowledge, skill and resources as they do.

I don't think Heather had a tantrum, I think she may have felt unsupported, and that's not easy to experience when you're hurting. Hopefully she'll come back. But like you said, she isn't talking about it, and that is something no one but her can change.

You loved your mom, Shannon! I hope you will try not to blame yourself in any way for what happened or for not being there for her the way you thought you should have. It was not your fault that those things happened, or that she was ill. Remember, your mom also needed you to take care of YOU. All moms want their kids to do that, even if it may not always appear that way.

There are some really good groups out there for people grieving, have you looked into any? Take care, okay? ~ Janice

Re: Re: Re: Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone

Taking care of myself has always taken a backseat. I have three girls who are quite demanding of my attention. LOL. Anyway, I have not really dealt with things, I am unsure how. I was a triplet at birth, my brother and sister passed away a few days after our birth. I'm still dealing without them...anyway. My situtation is not normal and being in a group even if I had time is doubtful it would help. Thanks for the concern though.

--Shannon

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone

You'd be surprised how many "not normals" there are in groups. When you're not sure how....let people help. I know it's hard. You'll do it when you're ready.
Take care of yourself anyway, kay? Just squeeze in a few minutes of it here and there, and you just might find it doesn't take too much to make a big difference. And, your girls can help! Make them part of it, they'll love it! They can "take care of you" in ways that make them feel special. It's one way, anyway, and they'll learn more about how much mom means to them. Little tiny stuff sometimes works in amazing ways. ~ J

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone

You are an answer to a prayer of encouragement. Thank you! You are so wise and I am thankful I have met you. Take care! --Shannon

Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone

I think we don't give our mentally ill mother's much credit. I believe that they know they are sick & that YOU ARN'T. I believe there is some gelousy in that fact. Your mother knows she's sick and your not and she probably knows when she's getting to you.

It's as simple as standing up to a bully. Just have confidence in your feelings and that your feelings are valid. Once you can simply feel sorry for her condition & confident in yourself, she won't get to you as much.

When your mother does or says something hurtful/bothersome, simple tell her with confidence, "YOUR NOT ACTING LIKE A GOOD, CARING MOTHER RIGHT NOW, SO I CAN'T BE AROUND YOU, UNTIL YOU TREAT ME, LIKE I WOULD EXPECT ANYONE TO TREAT ME."

It's like popping the air from a balloon!

Mentally ill mother's can be very munipulative-very aware of what they are doing. She probably gets some kind of sick enjoyment, knowing she's getting to you. So don't let her.

I stopped letting my mother do it to me & it's emotional freedom. She no longer dares to try to question anything about my life, because she knows I will quickly put her in her place.

It sounds mean, but I will flat out tell her, "Mom, you are mentally ill, so I will excuse your mean comments. Thank God I will never do it to my daughter." She hates being reminded that it's her, not me.

Try it & good luck! Don't let your mother or anyone else put you down.

Re: Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone

That does sound like a good plan. You are so right, we can't let other people bring us down. My mother is 100% certain she is not mentally ill - she's happy with herself and doesn't need anybody. It's really sad that the denial is so effective. I'm going to try what you suggested. For awhile she will most likely think I'm kooky to say that, after maybe 50 times of hearing it, maybe it will have an affect. - thanks.

Re: Re: Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone

Too bad the people who need our help most don't realize it.