Adult Children of Mentally ill Parents

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Adult Children of Mentally ill Parents
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Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone

You are NOT alone. I am a 27 year old mother of 3 girls, my mother passed away almost 2 months ago in a fire, electrical causes. I miss my mother horribly but I do NOT miss the mental illness that she had even before I was born. My mother was always obsessed with her looks as well as mine, although she never asked me to loose weight after the births of my girls. Don't take anything your mother says to heart...it's the illness....it has taken over and with a lot of prayer and meds your Mom can get better....if you would like you can email me ShannonRublee@verizon.net

Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone

Fed up and hunting:
Wow...I hate to say it, but it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this. My mother is so difficult and mean to me at time. When she's off her med's, forget it. You like to write, I like to write. Let's write a book together. I'm serious. Anyone out there that's interested. I want people to know what it's like. There's no other pain like it. My mother's mental illness ruined my family...ruined my life & I'm not ok with that. There must be a reason this happened to us...our mother's. We're supposed to make some good come from it, right. I'm 37 yrs old, and never told anyone what was wrong with my mother or what I was going through, out of shame.

Sr

Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone - no judging

I cringed when I read the message accusing you of not being supportive enough. It was way off base.

I tried going to a local support group for family members of the mentally ill, but since most of the people there were parents, not only was it not helpful to me, but it had a negative impact. Most parents make sacrifices for their kids (whether the kids are ill or not) - and naturally, someone who's a parent is going to feel that any child should be grateful to their parents because they are using their own experiences of sacrificing for their kids. But it is a totally different dynamic. I grew up without a stable, "normal" family (mom mentally ill, never diagnosed or treated, dad a difficult person who found many ways to make us feel like nothing). So not only does it give me a lot of emotional baggage, but I don't have the positive family resources that others have to draw on. So it's judgements like this that hurt so much (and keep us trying to maintain appearances and just opening ourselves up for hurt time after time). We are TRYING to be dutiful and have a good relationship, but a mentally ill parent makes it very difficult. And it's even more difficult to be supportive for someone who was never supportive for you. Whenever I hear co-workers gossiping, saying,"So-and-so's kids are terrible and ungrateful. They never come to see her and don't help out at all" I always wonder if So-and-so was a really awful parent who drove her kids away and the only coping mechanism that works for the kids is to minimize contact!

And comparing mental illness to cancer is not a good analogy. Someone dying from cancer may exhaust you, but mostly there's pity. (And I know this firsthand). It is very hard to feel pity for someone who is undermining your self-confidence and happiness. Thank goodness for forums like this so there is a sympathetic ear because people without mentally ill parent(s) have a very very hard relating to the situation, nevermind being supportive. I hope you've found some hope on this forum.

Re: Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone - no judging

You NEED to be supportive of your mentall ill parent. If you were mentally ill would you want your parent abandoning you? Think about it. If you were the one that was mentally ill would you enjoy being cut off from your family. Mental illness is something that can not be controlled for some as in the case with my mother. She never recieved much help through her 20 some years dealing with it all. No one knew what to do for her. That must have been so scary...I have always been there for her talking with her and asking her if she's doing ok.....

Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone - no judging

Yes, an adult child needs to be supportive, but not to the point where you destroy your own life, happiness and marriage/family.
You may not be able to live up to unrealistic societal expectations of what a good daughter would do. It is NOT our fault that we can't have normal interactions with our parents. We have to set realistic goals and expectations of ourselves, what we can do for a mentally ill parent without destroying ourselves.
I heard a great quote the other day, "Crazy people can drive sane people crazy". We are talking about maintaining our own sanity, not abandoning a parent. It's like trying to deal with an alcoholic - yes, you need to be there for them, but they have to want to help themselves. The mentally ill, like an alcoholic, ARE victims of a diseasse BUT, like an alcoholic, they do have some control over the choices they make. In the case of the mentally ill, getting diagnosed, taking medicine, going to therapy and working to change are choices they can make. But if they are self-destructive or abusive of others, sometimes a child has to choose self-preservation (which may just mean minimizing contact, not cutting them out of their life). So what the original poster was expressing was frustration with a sad situation, and came here for support. It was not whining. Dealing with a mentally ill parent causes frustration, anger, sadness and poor self-esteem. I'm glad she came here, because it's not easy, and we can help each other deal with these emotions so that we can continue dealing with our parents.

Re: Re: Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone - no judging

Shannon,

Being supportive means different things to different people, and you NEED to keep an open mind.

My mother is mentally ill. She won't seek treatment, even though I and many of her friends have urged her to do so. My brother supports her, or rather ENABLES her by letting her live on his small apartment floor and giving her money and letting her control his life. Guess what, her condition never improved, despite my brother's sacrifice. Meanwhile, he hasn't had a personal relationship his whole life. He's 34 and has never had a girlfriend (or boyfriend?). That's what supporting a mentally ill parent can do to a person.

I was diagnosed with a mental illness four years ago, and I made sure to take my medication, go to therapy and learn how to take care of myself so that my family doesn't have to suffer the consequences of my illness. I also battled alcoholism and have chosen to be sober for the last 11 years. The pain of my childhood growing up with my mother has cost me thousands of dollars in therapy. I have paid my dues.

Some mentally ill parents choose not to seek help. Just like with an addiction, they remain in denial. Sometimes it's better to cut ties with them and set boundaries rather than enabling them and letting them destroy the well-being of others. I listen to the experts at my support groups who say that until my mother decides to get help, she's only going to continue to hurt others, and that there's nothing I can do about her illness, so it doesn't benefit anyone if I choose to suffer with her.

Until she acts responsibly and seeks some sort of treatment on her own, I will not enable her, and I urge others to do the same. Sometimes supporting someone means cutting ties. I can only hope that she reaches a point in her illness where she is forced to take medication, but until then, I have to live my life. I'm much better off in the world supporting and caring for those who want to be helped.

I realize that there are those who don't know if they're sick. That's why it's important for family members to be strong and insistent and do whatever it takes to make them understand the consequences of not seeking help, even if that means cutting ties and setting strong boundaries. It depends on the situation, and no one has the right to judge others.

There are many children who have been abused and even killed by mentally ill parents, so no one has the right to judge anyone who's decided to cut off a destructive relationship. Just because it's family doesn't mean it's right.

td

Re: Re: Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone - no judging

But with most illnesses, you're willing to get help. I know in my situation (and many others), the person with the illness is unwilling to get help. We try for years, and it gets destructive for us and our lives. There does come a point when after trying you do need to cut the ties. It's called self preservation. Selfish, maybe, but it's what's needed to be done to survive. If the parent finally gets help, then you can support them again, until then, they'll just destroy you.

Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone. Hope all is well

I hope you and your family are well and that you have not had to abandonded this site.There are many people out there that can relate to your situation. For Shannon, did you not hear the part where her mother emotionally abused her and continues? I hope everyone is setting boundaries with their parents. I have to agree with Tuffis here, to everything she said in her post. By the way, thanks for posting on the old board Tuffis, it’s been awhile since I’ve been here, I am a 37 year old daughter of a schizophrenic mother. My mother stabbed someone and is now in prison for the rest of her life, or close to it. I am sure glad I had my boundaries with her, refused to put my child and family at risk. We can’t even begin to understand what a person has lived through. Even though my mother is mentally ill, will it ever be o.k. to put myself or family at risk for physical harm? Maybe poison next time? Does being mentally ill mean it is o.k. to let someone hurt you? Mentally, physically or spiritually?
The point is, take care of your immediate family and yourself first. When you do set boundaries, realize that your mentally ill loved one will likely not be in the habit of following your rules and will continually try to maneuver their way around them. You may have to be hard and have to learn how to follow your own rules, but do it if you can find peace that way. I also know what you mean about always appearing so calm. I think
that has been a trait, at least for myself, learned by living through a multitude of bizarre and scary scenarios throughout my life, a coping mechanism. For me though, the coping strategy is outdated now and not working any more. I know what is meant when you wish to feel calm inside. That strength that was needed to survive when young has turned against me in the form of anxiety. But I can handle **** near any stressful situation outwardly like a pro. I am still putting together the pieces though. Remember their are many different types of survivors out there. Good job of making it this far. You aren’t alone.

Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone. Hope all is well

I just wanted to come back and say thank you to all of you who supported me. I am in a better place now and I am able to have some kind of relationship with my mother because i have set the boundaries and i no longer have expectations for her to love me as a mother does. i enjoy her for what she is and i feel healed, although it is a life long process. i love all you out there who are polite. even if we were raised by the mentally ill, we have so much to offer this world. we see things in a different light and we need to come together and unite, make this world a safer place for our loved one's with illness. i love you all.

Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone

I hope the original writer of this post comes back. You're going through some very difficult stuff, and I for one, can totally understand.

No one else can fairly judge your situation. Nor should they. We are all unique and complex, with all sorts of factors affecting our perception, mental state, logic at any one given time, level of stress, desires, motivations, moods, etc. What you "should" or "should not" do is hardly something anyone else can really know.

You said it so well when you wrote that you needed to vent. IMHO, strangers on a message board have little else they can do except listen and be kind, at least until we get to know you and your situation better. Even then, try walking in somebody else's moccasins for one full mile - IF, that is, one can even figure out how to get them on in the first place.

I'm so sorry you were unfairly judged. I've experienced a lot of judgment and have allowed it to bring me down. I've had an extremely difficult life, not to say that others haven't. 5 years ago I received, through a most mysterious way, this picture with the American Indian who spoke the message I mentioned above written on the picture. It has hung at my front door ever since...

...Oh Great Spirit, grant that I may not criticize my neighbor until I have walked a mile in his mocassins.

I haven't figured out how to get those mocassins off anybody else's feet yet! Honestly, I've wished I could give mine to somebody else, many times it has seemed that others sure must have it better than me. But then when I really take a good look around, I think I'd still rather have my mucky old ripped up mocassins with the big holes in the toes. Familiar territory, that when I do manage to get things right, I've learned to have a lot of respect for. And that feels real good.

I hope you come back. My mother is horrible and my brother refuses to help at all. You are not alone.

Re: Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone

All I said to the person that posted the first message was that she didn't need to give up on her parents becuase of their mental illness. I had all but did that and my mother passed away at the end of Feb. this year and now I regret not being more supportive. She passed away in a fire and I didn't get to say goodbye...I'd give anything to be able to tell her I love her one last time. Through her mental illness I am not sure if she knew how much she ment to me...I wasn't attacking, just trying to state that you shouldn't give up on your mentally ill parent...they need you...would you abandon yours if they had cancer or some other disease. Mental illness IS a disease....no one asked for it so...it IS difficult to be there for them but you need to...that's all I said to Heather and she stomped off like a 4 year old having a tantrum instead of talking about it. --Shannon

Re: Re: Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone

Shannon,

I'm so sorry about your mom. I can imagine how much pain you feel and how much you miss her. Things sure didn't go the way you would have ever expected, and you obviously love her very much. It's been a very short time since your loss, you're grieving, and at the same time it sounds like you are doing what people often do - feeling bad somehow about whatever stuff you think you "should have" done or wished you had done differently. Maybe you had to "give up" (as you said) on her because if you didn't you would have lost too much of a part of yourself. That's not really giving up on her, it's taking care of you - not giving up on YOU. I'm sure you did the very best you knew how to do with your mom. It's not easy and nobody gives us a book with instructions.

Mental illness is a disease, but that doesn't mean we all know how to deal with it all the time. If it makes another person sick, too, then what has that accomplished, except to double the number of people that are sick. It's sure not easy to figure out what's the best thing to do sometimes. It's true that mentally ill people need help, but sometimes family aren't the ones that can help. They don't know how, they are too close and involved and it can be very damaging to others. If you had known how to "fix" your mom, wouldn't you have done it? If my mom's engine blew up and she expected me to fix it, I would have to tell her, sorry, I don't know how, take it to a mechanic. I know that's not a great analogy, sorry. We don't know how to fix a lot of things. Even the professionals don't seem to fair so well with fixing mental illness, and we as family don't usually have nearly the knowledge, skill and resources as they do.

I don't think Heather had a tantrum, I think she may have felt unsupported, and that's not easy to experience when you're hurting. Hopefully she'll come back. But like you said, she isn't talking about it, and that is something no one but her can change.

You loved your mom, Shannon! I hope you will try not to blame yourself in any way for what happened or for not being there for her the way you thought you should have. It was not your fault that those things happened, or that she was ill. Remember, your mom also needed you to take care of YOU. All moms want their kids to do that, even if it may not always appear that way.

There are some really good groups out there for people grieving, have you looked into any? Take care, okay? ~ Janice

Re: Re: Re: Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone

Taking care of myself has always taken a backseat. I have three girls who are quite demanding of my attention. LOL. Anyway, I have not really dealt with things, I am unsure how. I was a triplet at birth, my brother and sister passed away a few days after our birth. I'm still dealing without them...anyway. My situtation is not normal and being in a group even if I had time is doubtful it would help. Thanks for the concern though.

--Shannon

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone

You'd be surprised how many "not normals" there are in groups. When you're not sure how....let people help. I know it's hard. You'll do it when you're ready.
Take care of yourself anyway, kay? Just squeeze in a few minutes of it here and there, and you just might find it doesn't take too much to make a big difference. And, your girls can help! Make them part of it, they'll love it! They can "take care of you" in ways that make them feel special. It's one way, anyway, and they'll learn more about how much mom means to them. Little tiny stuff sometimes works in amazing ways. ~ J

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone

You are an answer to a prayer of encouragement. Thank you! You are so wise and I am thankful I have met you. Take care! --Shannon

Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone

I think we don't give our mentally ill mother's much credit. I believe that they know they are sick & that YOU ARN'T. I believe there is some gelousy in that fact. Your mother knows she's sick and your not and she probably knows when she's getting to you.

It's as simple as standing up to a bully. Just have confidence in your feelings and that your feelings are valid. Once you can simply feel sorry for her condition & confident in yourself, she won't get to you as much.

When your mother does or says something hurtful/bothersome, simple tell her with confidence, "YOUR NOT ACTING LIKE A GOOD, CARING MOTHER RIGHT NOW, SO I CAN'T BE AROUND YOU, UNTIL YOU TREAT ME, LIKE I WOULD EXPECT ANYONE TO TREAT ME."

It's like popping the air from a balloon!

Mentally ill mother's can be very munipulative-very aware of what they are doing. She probably gets some kind of sick enjoyment, knowing she's getting to you. So don't let her.

I stopped letting my mother do it to me & it's emotional freedom. She no longer dares to try to question anything about my life, because she knows I will quickly put her in her place.

It sounds mean, but I will flat out tell her, "Mom, you are mentally ill, so I will excuse your mean comments. Thank God I will never do it to my daughter." She hates being reminded that it's her, not me.

Try it & good luck! Don't let your mother or anyone else put you down.

Re: Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone

That does sound like a good plan. You are so right, we can't let other people bring us down. My mother is 100% certain she is not mentally ill - she's happy with herself and doesn't need anybody. It's really sad that the denial is so effective. I'm going to try what you suggested. For awhile she will most likely think I'm kooky to say that, after maybe 50 times of hearing it, maybe it will have an affect. - thanks.

Re: Re: Re: Need to vent - Please tell me if I'm alone

Too bad the people who need our help most don't realize it.