Does anyone else have a parent who tell lies constantly in regular conversation? My mother seems to just create her own reality and insist that everyone around her adopt that reality along with her. Her lies are usually about people she knows, and they serve to put those people down. She'll say that they were pretending to have a PhD at a party, or they have to take Viagra, or that they were being mean to her. I know that many of the stories she tells are untrue, because I was present when the event occured, or she's told the same story before about a different person. Her other lies trump her up to be some kind of saint or martyr, about ways her family and previous husbands have abused her, or about how she started the cashmere sweater trend in the united states.

She is very dependent on me, and we talk on the phone twice per week, for one hour per phone call. I also see her about every six weeks, for about a day. I just get really clausterphobic, talking to her. I know that I can't trust anything that she says as being true, so our conversations feel really pointless.

She also says untrue things because of having a horrible memory and being drunk most of the time. So it's not just the lies that bother me, but the lies are most disturbing to me. I wonder if she believes them herself? I get the strong feeling that she does.

Anyone else with a parent like this?

Thanks,
Jane

I know exactly where you're coming from, Jane!

Although my mother doesn't drink alchohol, her behavior is nearly identical to your mother's in every other way. Actually, if all my mom did was make up ridiculous lies and create her own reality, I think I could live with that. But my dear mother also "plays dumb" ... she pretends she is too "stupid" to understand anything I tell her. Or she didn't hear me. Or she "forgot".

For years, I've been asking myself, "what kind of psychosis would make someone act this way?" And last night, I found the answer: Covert-Aggressive Personality Disorder.

I found a really good article about CA at http://ogch.tripod.com/test.html

Here's an excerpt:

2. Do you believe that you can avoid senselessly destructive conflicts with any person close to you if you keep prodding the other person to regain perspective and come to their senses, and by remaining calm, patient and fair-minded yourself -- i.e., by being a "peacemaker?"

3. Do you believe that no one would try to lie about you or misrepresent events concerning you as long as you treat them fairly, keep the lines of communication open, and don't give them a reason to have a proverbial "axe to grind"? In other words, do you believe that people don't ever fix on another person and engage in a vicious and irrational campaign of destruction against that person unless the targeted person has given his attacker sufficient motivation to do so?

4. Do you believe that no one could get away for long with lying about you or misrepresenting events to others because, not being true, whatever story they came up with just wouldn't hang together under close inspection, and you also could find a lot of hard and circumstantial evidence to back you up if need be?

5. You and person B have a discussion. The discussion occurs behind closed doors with no one else besides the two of you ever present in the room and there are no interruptions of any sort by anyone or anything. The next day, however, person B claims that a person C called and spoke to one of you for a few minutes during your conversation. You are a mentally competent person, have no memory problems, and weren't under the influence of any mind-altering substances that could affect your perceptions or memory. What B is claiming simply isn't true. It did not happen as he or she says it did. How difficult do you think it would be to prove this fact to others?

Does any of this sound familiar?

Bob

Oh my gosh! This was like a page out of MY life with my mother. I have come to the conclusion that my mother is a severely disturbed individual. I am a public school teacher and very respected in my field. My mother plays mind games with my siblings and myself. She has told some of the most insane and vicious lies about all of us and our spouses even to the point of accusing a daughter-in-law of trying to murder my dying father by folding his oxygen tube and taping it once he became bedridden. She is a nurse and was tending to him at his bedside. As the only daughter, I see Mom entirely different than my brothers. They fall for her "poor me" victim routine. My mother also has always claimed to be a devout Christian, and anyone who does not play according to her rules is stamped as a devil controlled demon. Now, she is not adhereing to my father's will and is cheating the rest of us out of what my father intended us to have. She is giving everything to my oldest brother and his wife. Nither of them work, and my mother says they need it worse than the rest of us have good jobs! The last straw was when she said that my last visit caused her to get a sore throat and become ill. She had invited my husband and I to come and see her. She is so nuts that I can barely stand to even have a conversation with her!

Hi Jane,
My mother sounds frighteningly like yours. She has been an alcoholic since I can remember. I was taken away from her by the state at age 10. I was raised by my Grandparents after that. My mother had two more children when I was 14 and 15. We aren't sure who our fathers are. We have always said that my mother lives in her own reality. That real life is too much for her to deal with so she creates her own. It doesn't seem that she lies with intent. She really believes the things she says. Only the people that have known her for awhile can pick up on her lies. The worst part is that she has always asked others for help and expected people to rescue her. If we don't then she blames us for her problems. I know how she is and rationally I can see that she is ill and that I haven't done anything but she is my mother and it still hurts.

I am 24, my mother is 50...and I am going through the very same as you all. Of course not all details are identical, but extremely similar. There is a history of mental illness on my mothers side. My grandmother, and great grandmother both committed suicide around the age of 50. Obviously, my concerns grow with each day that passes because of this known history. My mother isnt an alcoholic, but has severe dependency issues. From prescription drugs, to street drugs, (methamphetamines, which further increase paranoia and psychosis issues, as well as physical "illnesses" you may be prone to.) Her lies mostly consit of the constant "everyone is out to get me" sort, that all are lying to me, and she has done no wrong. (In her mind, she hasnt) There IS no reality, I have recently come to truly realize this. I CANNOT deal with a mentally ill person on my own. I have tried to rationalize in the past, tried to understand "why"..."how" is this possible? How is it possible to have no TRUE reality somewhere deep? Thats mental illness, there is no rationale, and it isnt something most of us are equipped to deal with on a healthy level by ourselves.

I identified 100% with what Bob had posted. Everything Bob posted, has actually happened with my mother...some on a constant basis, some more random. My mother has alienated everyone in her life, besides myself and my step father (who she is now separated from) My step father also has a drug/alcohol addiction, and they only "feed" each others fire for drama and lies. The burden has become to large for me to take on by myself. I am guiltfully envious of other family members and friends who have made the choice to distance themselves permanantly from my Mother. I, on the other hand, cannot...she's my mom. Im all she has left. I fear she will harm herself, in the worst way, if I were to cut myself off from her. For my OWN sanity, I need to seek help on how to deal with a mentally ill parent, as well as look into programs, support groups, and ways to get her the help she desperately needs...but doesnt realize.

Its very difficult to help someone, who doesnt want or think they need help. There in lies my dilemma. How do you suggest that you need help, without further accelerating the destructive behavior or worsening the condition? My aunt and myself have tried to request some sort of in-patient therapy, but generally, unless the person is a direct threat to themselves or others, its near impossible.

I have just begun to fully realize the severity of my mothers mental illness, and it literally is a matter of "do or die". If anyone has any suggestions, where to start, who to contact...or if you just want to talk, please feel free to email me.

My mother is identical (minus the alchohol) She really is an expert about trumping herself up and finding fault in others.

She seems to be suffering a bit from paranoia about what other people think of her and then she gets angry at them for reasons she's just made up in her head.

But she always does it in a way that makes her look like the victim. She is incredibly manipulative.

I usually just change the subject, respectfully disagree, or just ignore it. (depends on her state of mind)

But inside, I want to scream. I am working really hard on really not caring about the crap she makes up and just trying and enjoy any good moment, any real lucid gem that I can tuck away.

Sickeningly hard! But I must say, after years of practicing this, it is working finally.

Hi guys.
This is my first time to this forum and I am reading about my mother! I want everyone to check out the book "The People of the Lie." It talks about people who constantly lie. My mother has lied to me all of my life and now lies to my kids. I have recently cut off all contact with her b/c she has fallen into the pit of her madness. She is bipolar, OCD, narcisstic, the list goes on. She refuses medication even though she admits she is bipolar. I started to make a list one day of the lies she has told me and I got to 52 and I hadn't gotten to my adult life yet! I am also bipolar and I think b/c of that I know that you cannot blame immoral behavior on a mental illness. Every evil deed that was ever done was blamed on a mental illness. Well, let me tell you, I have a mental illness which I inherited from my parents and I am a Christian and a loving wife and mother.
My mother constantly ridiculed my sister and I growing up, told us ridiculous scarring lies that only a child would believe but she, according to her, has been a wonderful mother and she doesn't understand why her children have a problem with her! I am evil for taking her grandkids away! She loves them so much (lie, lie, lie.)
So what I am trying to say...you do not have to let someone stay in your life just b/c they are family or even your mother. If this person is an evil person, makes you physically or emotionally sick, she does not deserve to be in your life. Your life is for you to live. My children see her exactly as she is and think she is crazy and not a good person.
I had to call the police on my mother today b/c she forced her way into my home and would not leave. My husband and I had to physically drag her out of our house. The police did pull her over after she left and told her she could not come back to my house anymore. People like this are never going to change and trying to reason with them is a complete waste of time. It's took me a lot of years of abuse to come to this conclusion, but it is very freeing.