For Shits 'n Grins
Start a New Topic 
Just for Laughs

Meeting the Parents
A young woman asks her boyfriend to come over Friday for dinner with her parents. The young woman also announces to him that after dinner, she would like to go with him to have sex for the first time.
Well the young man is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before… So he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the young man for about an hour; telling the young man everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the young man how many condoms he’s like to buy… a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. He insists on the family pack; thinking he’ll be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the young man shows up at the young woman’s parents’ house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “I’m so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in!”
The fellow goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the parents are seated.
He quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the young man is still in deep prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the young woman leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were so religious.” He turns to her and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway ramp. The traffic thinned, but the driver still waited.
Finally, a furious voice from the vehicle behind him yelled, “The sign says ‘Yield’ not ‘Give Up’!”

A New York family bought a ranch out west, where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
“Well,” said the would-be cattleman, “I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W. The other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So we’re calling it the Bar-J Suzy-Q Flying-W Lazy-Y.”
“Where are all your cattle?”
“So far, none have survived the branding.”

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting flies" He responded.
"Killing any?" She asked.
He replied "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females."
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Linda B. was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed the young woman sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands on the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay. Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics. They broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot. The wad of dough hit her in the back of the head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.
She initially passed out, but quickly recovered quickly and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Yes, Linda is a blonde.

A Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day

In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and others.
The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah. My client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, Counselor, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool’s Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.
Court is adjourned..."