CATHOLIC SHAMPOO
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happen to pass by the beer cooler. One nun says to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on this hot summer evening?"
The second nun answers, " Indeed it would Sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."
"I can handle that. No problem," she replies as she swings a six-pack into the cart and heads for the front of the store.
The cashier has a very surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrive with the beer. "We use beer for washing our hair," the nun says. "A shampoo of sorts, if you will."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reaches under the counter, pulls out a package of pretzel sticks and places them in the bag with the beer. He then looks the nun straight in the eye, smiles, and says, " Sister, the curlers are on the house."
THE GOLFING NUN
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It is,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother. A 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. It's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?'
LUNCH WITH A NUN
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "and do you men know Jesus Christ?" they shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down why?
The worker yelled back, "Cuz his wife's here with his lunch!"
