PSYCHIATRISTS VS. BARTENDERS . . .
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him . . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the Doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!'


WALKING AND BEER
A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud to be an American.


THE CUCKOO CLOCK
At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.
The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said '$hit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."


A NIGHT AT THE BAR
A biker comes outta the bar one night and there is a cop sitting in the parking lot. The guy staggers a bit, falls down the stairs, gets up and walks over to his bike, gets on and tries to start it.
The bike won't start and he realizes it isn't his bike after all. He gets off it walks over gets on another one and tries to start it. Nope not his either.
He goes over to another one, gets on, and starts it up; then passes out. A bunch of others from the bar start to leave, laughing as they pass the guy passed out on his bike. A few minutes later he wakes up and leaves the parking lot.
Next thing he knows, there are sirens and lights and he's being pulled over by the cop from the parking lot. The cop tells him to get off his bike, so he does.
The cop tells him to walk the yellow line and he does perfectly. The cop then gives him a breathalyzer and it comes up zero. The cop looks at him and says, "Okay, I saw you come out staggering all over, fall down the stairs, get on the wrong bike 3 times, and then pass out! How can you walk the line with no problems and blow a zero?"
He replies, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!"


WORST DAY
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, What'cha gonna do about it?? The poor little guy starts crying.
'Come on, man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.'
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison.'