Afternoon Sex
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
- 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
- 'An ambulance just drove by!'
- 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
- 'Matt's riding a new bike!'
- 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
- 'Jason is on his skate board!'
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are screwing!!'
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're screwing?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'
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Bank Robber
A hooded armed robber bursts into a bank and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him. The robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. "Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber. There follows a tense silence. Then an elderly gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: "I think maybe my wife caught a glimpse."
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An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down ‘why'? The worker yelled back, "cuz his wife's here with his lunch"
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The Obedient Italian Wife!
There was an Italian immigrant man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his Italian wife... "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, (what else), and her best friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an Italian Catholic & I cannot go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money in the casket with him.."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and I wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
AMEN!
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Should children witness childbirth?
Good question. Here's your answer. Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby... Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!'
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