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Weekend Wit

A LIVING WILL
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

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REASONABLE WOMAN
My wife is definitely a very reasonable woman.
Married 35 years, I took a look at my wife the other day and said, "Honey, 35 years ago, we had a cheap little apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year old blond.
Now, we have a nice big 2500 square foot house, new car, big king size bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 60-year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your end of things."
My wife being a very reasonable woman, told me to go out and find me a hot 25-year old blond, and she would see to it, that I once again would be living in a cheap little apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed...

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THE STRONG YOUNG MAN
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodded at the young man and said... “All right, dumb ass! Get in.”

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THREE THINGS THAT WE MUST THINK ABOUT:
COWS, THE CONSTITUTION, AND THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse....
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal,"
"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and
"Thou Shall Not Lie"
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.

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TWO BLONDES WERE READING THEIR DAILY NEWSPAPERS
and one of them sees a headline that says:

"TWO BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS KILLED"

She thinks for a minute, and then whispers to her friend, "Psssst.....how many is a brazilian?"

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AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

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ZERO GRAVITY
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due soon. Enjoy paying them.

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