I just came across an old AOL message board topic I started a few years ago, and thought I'd share it here. I reckon it could be semi-on-topic, as it relates to the "Deep Thoughts" which were featured on Saturday Night Live... and were absurdist. Here's a brief explanation of sorts I wrote for that board, and then I'll follow with a few of the ones I created myself in the same vein! Caution: Some syrup may get on your chicken, but that's okay.

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I think the art of Jack Handey's quips is in the light he shines on logic... and usually it's a takeoff of a familiar idea ("I'm all for making the world a better place for our children, but not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having children") or the combination of a mundane idea with an outlandish one ("if you ever drop your car keys into molten lava, you might as well forget about them, because man, they're gone"). The result is something just demented enough to tickle most SNL fans (the original forum for these), but just "innocent sounding" enough to seem cute and almost sweet. That's as close as I think I can come to defining a "Handey-ism"... other than that, all's I can say is, you know one when you hear one! Anyone else have a nifty summation of what makes these so unique? A handy "take" on Handey to bandy? -- Rob

I cried because I had no shoes. But then I realized, "Hey, I'm a hillbilly."

I often like to think that the yellow light in the traffic signal represents a pausing of reality; a state of eternity focused into a single moment, not unlike the feeling of weightlessness one feels when tossed into the air, just before gravity takes hold and returns you to the earth. It's a grand feeling which, nonetheless, soon passes. But the officer didn't see it that way, and cited me anyway.

Sometimes, just a nod, or a knowing glance, is all you need to let you know someone is alive.

When all is said and done, there's no point in hanging around waiting for someone to do or say anything more.

These are great, Rob. Especially the one about the yellow traffic light. I love this type of humor! :)

Thus encouraged, I offer up some more:

I remember the days when I was young and carefree. They were Wednesdays.

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When I was a kid, I used to play with dirt clods. I wish they still made them.

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Hoses are strange. Sure, they help you get water from one place to another, but they don't have to be so smug.

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I often wonder if the files in the top drawer feel superior to the files in all the other drawers.

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Never stomp on a puddle after it rains, unless you're certain the monsters aren't watching.

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I once walked into a room with a sign that said "Women." They screamed, yelled, threw things at me and told me to get out. I thought that sign could have been more descriptive.

That last one was real cool. I've been trying to think of one, and nothing's come to me so far. I'll get my best one while I'm riding in my car, but I'll forget it before I can write it down.

At least until I decide to try to make more of them....

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I decided to go out one day for a long drive, and was surprised how tired I became. Then I realized I had forgotten my car.

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My uncle used to threaten that he would “unbutton my bellybutton.” If he did so, he said, my head and arms and legs would fall off, and then he would laugh an evil laugh and then reach toward me, making a pinching gesture. So one day I rolled duct tape all over my body as a preventative and went in to finally challenge him. But, he was drunk and had fallen asleep.

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One day, after my mother explained to me how babies came to earth, I gathered my thirty-two brothers and sisters and we went out and killed every stork we could find.

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I found out the hard way that it’s not a good idea to make fun of a man with really large hands.

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I think the surest way to get someone to haunt you would be to tickle them to death.

too funny.